I am still sorting out my thoughts but I need an outlet to organise them. Yesterday went by without any "disastrous" happenings. But a few thoughts struck me:
1) It has been proven, or rather, the signs that I have seen have shown so very obviously that they are biased towards males. They or rather he was more concerned with Norman's future. They bought extra financial funds for him to ensure that his education needs are taken care of. They asked him what he wanted to do for his career. It was all about him. This was the feeling that I had. They came to the lunch appointment because it was Norman who did the job of asking.
2) Their attitude showed that I, being a female, am useless and would not amount to anything at all. Yet, when I was the first one to graduate, they appeared proud because this added some "glow" to their names. I hate that. On what grounds do you have to claim credit? Yes, only purely on the ground of finances. Have they ever bothered to guide me? I do not think so. All that they have done based on their naive or ignorant mindset is to give me the finances and leave me alone. Yet, they attended Norman's every event in school. Events which gave him meaning and memory in life. As for me, I went through everything on my own. The day that I received the award in JC, the times when I performed in public.
I hate this. I hate this favouritism. F*** them!!!!
They appear concerned simply because of the biological links that I have in my body. Otherwise, I doubt they would ever pay any attention to me at all.
3) Who are they to advise me to save money? Have they set an example by doing it? I do not think so. When they made the comment, was it because they think that I am like them? Spending money without any concern for the future?
That is an insult to me. I am not like them. Yes. I go for quality. I live a life of a certain standard which i am comfortable with. But I know my limits. Not like them.
4) "Have you learnt to cook?" This is a question they posed to me. I have to say that cooking is a survival skill. No doubt about that. Yet, I read their question with a different meaning. The message that I got from them is 'Do you know how to cook? That will be your responsibility in future. You have to cook for your husband and serve him well.' F*** them!!!!!!! I am not a subordinate to males. I am not a slave. I do not have to serve anyone other than myself for this is my own life that I am leading. Do not impose your values on me for I do not subscribe to them.
The entire event may have gone smoothly without and displays of extreme emotions. Yet, underlying the courtesies, i hate to say that I sense the condescending attitude and mindset. i hate that. I detest that.
So was I really a mistake made in a moment of lust? Is my gender a mistake as well? Who are they to judge me and say that I am inferior? And who are they to take away my pride and glory for the hard work that I have put in and survived?
My feelings of hatred haved surged over the years and they have also taken a dip. I am tired. I want to be happy with my new life with Matt in a home where I do not feel threatened. They have made bad decisions which caused feelings of negativity. I have been angry. But I just want to let it go. Perhaps I may never forgive them for what they did to me. Perhaps I may slowly forget them as I embark on a new life. But do not expect me to do anything to make them happy for they caused me pain for the past 26 years of my life.
Dear Lord
Am I being revengeful? Am I wrong? Please give me a sign.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
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