Alone and wondering...

Alone and wondering……………..

I wonder how other children feel when they live with people who threaten their lives everyday. Do they feel what I feel? Every movement that you make is being monitored. And every movement may invite violence. One feels so scrutinized and controlled. One feels so fearful for the personal space and boundaries have been crossed.

I may not be able to truly experience what those children go through. But I know for sure that their hearts are so full of fear. They feel lost and they so look forward to someone who could deliver them from harm. When they find this special person who can understand them and guide them, the children try their very best to hold on to this person and follow them wherever they go. Yet so often, the grip gets lose and the connection is broken. For many of these children, they are forced to struggle and find their own ways out of the puddle that they are in. For those who are able to bring themselves out of the puddles, they often find joy and happiness. For those who are unable to, they end up still being dirty in the puddle. And there is the other group who found themselves out of the puddle and somehow in the puddle again. It hurts so badly. The heart does not only feel the sting for that second, instead, the heart aches every moment it pumps blood to various parts of the body. It is torturing and it never seems to be able to end.

Loneliness, fear, sadness, futility, hopelessness looms in the air around me. So often, they have looked for me for companionship. And so often, I felt obliged to keep them company for they make me feel sad to leave them alone.

I once had joy and happiness as companions. They were so wonderful and lovely. Yet, somehow, due to circumstances, I had to leave them behind, in a place far, far away. How I long for them. I miss them so much. I want them by my side so badly. I would give up anything just to have them back with me again. I want to be in an environment where I can feel safe and loved. What have I done to not deserve that, dear Lord? Have I been a very bad person? What did I do wrong before?

I wish I had wings. Wings which could take me far, far away to where my good friends are.

No one understands how I feel. Not even Matt. Not even N. The deepest feelings are still hidden deep within. As much as I have opened up to them, they have not managed to find the key to unlock the door. Or rather, it is not their job to unlock the door. It is mine. I chose not to let them in for fear that they may see the vulnerable side of me. Matt would use it to his advantage. N would try to console me and help me but his focus should be on S now. I should not burden them with my own insecurities and fears. This is something which I have to work on myself. While they mentioned that there should not be any lines drawn, I am still not ready to let them into this part of me yet.

Matt brought happiness and joy to me, although he brought sadness and anxiety too. Yet, many a times, when I really need someone, he is not there. I am always alone. I just do not understand why. Has this been planned by God? Is it destined that I always have to find a corner to hide and cry till I am too tired to go on?

Dear Lord, I am really tired and lost. What lesson should I be learning from all these? A lesson that emphasizes that people grow up differently and we all need to learn how to live with one another? I am not sure if I can. I am not sure if I can tolerate any longer. Can I end everything here, just like this? I do not have the energy to go on; can I just leave this world? Have I done what there is to do?

Please help me Lord, Please show me the way. I need your strength and guidance. Please, dear Lord, I beg you.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.