Quick thoughts

Sometimes, I wonder if he is really a coward or too much of a perfectionist. Why do I have to suffer in his hands? Or why do I batter myself so badly as a result of his actions? Do I not always tell myself that I have the choice to be happy, that I have the choice not to allow other people to hurt me or make me feel sad? Why have I not learnt to exercise that choice when the situation is appropriate?

I felt so used, so taken for granted, so hopeless. It is like he has forgotten the simple principle of respecting me when making decisions. How could he have done that? How could he have agreed to the appointment with the agent without first consulting and confirming with me? Is it because I have been consulting him on all things and he is so used to making the decisions? THat is not what a relationship is based on. It is mutual respect and agreement. I am still very angry. The anger in me has not diminished and it is coming out in all forms. Aggression, depression, isolation. I have never been this upset before. I think, it has come to a point where he has really tripped one of the important wires in me. Respect. I feel that he has lost respect for me after I have been so accommodating. F*** h**.

I know that I am angry at this actions. But at the end of the day, it is still love. We are all people. We have feelings. Sometimes, our actions are the results of thoughtlessness and the taking of things for granted. Such behavious result in negative consequences. But people are still good by nature. Or at least majority of them are.

I see clearly now that he is afraid. He is afraid of taking up the responsibility for his actions. How did this happen? Upbringing. Traditional, conventional upbringing by his mother in particular.

Perhaps expectations today are different. I am not too sure. While couples are having babies, I truly wonder if they ever thought of how they should bring up their children? Or do they just have babies and then leave them at different caregivers at different stages of the children's lives and give them all the material gifts and think that they are good parents?

I have yet to meet parents who can truly play their part well. This is sad, for the children will grow up with many deficit pockets in their records and these have an impact on how they will lead their lives in future and how they will bring up their future generations.

God help us. Amen.