Alone and frightened

Once again, I know that I am slipping into the cocoon that I have weaved for myself long long ago to keep myself from danger, pain and hurt. While I protect myself from external pain, I suffer also from internal pain as I try to rationalize what goes on around me. Tears have been my companion for the past few days. I feel tired and restless. I do not want to do anything. I just want to sleep my way through all this pain. But no matter how much I sleep or wet my pillows with my tears, the pain would not go away, nor would the fear.

There is no one with whom I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Not even Matt. The words just would not come out. And when I look at Matt's face, it simply deters me from saying anything because I know that he would be cynical and indifferent. So much has been bottled inside me that I think I can explode any moment. So many instances, I just want to end it with a slit. Just a simple one without much pain.

NOwadays, he is so busy that we do not really talk anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if the flame has been blown out. We do not do special things anymore. Just go about the daily routines. At his place, he listens to his cantonese cds and reads his books. I have nothing much to do except to read my books. There are no more activities that we do together anymore. I wonder if there is still love between the two of us. Or is it just out of routine and obligation.

I do not want to end up like J and realise that there has never been anything between two persons after eight years.

I want to be happy too. But I just cannot.

Dear Lord

Please help me. I just want to be happy. Teach me to be happy. Guide me and show me the light. Please. I beg you.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.