I am still sorting out my thoughts but I need an outlet to organise them. Yesterday went by without any "disastrous" happenings. But a few thoughts struck me:
1) It has been proven, or rather, the signs that I have seen have shown so very obviously that they are biased towards males. They or rather he was more concerned with Norman's future. They bought extra financial funds for him to ensure that his education needs are taken care of. They asked him what he wanted to do for his career. It was all about him. This was the feeling that I had. They came to the lunch appointment because it was Norman who did the job of asking.
2) Their attitude showed that I, being a female, am useless and would not amount to anything at all. Yet, when I was the first one to graduate, they appeared proud because this added some "glow" to their names. I hate that. On what grounds do you have to claim credit? Yes, only purely on the ground of finances. Have they ever bothered to guide me? I do not think so. All that they have done based on their naive or ignorant mindset is to give me the finances and leave me alone. Yet, they attended Norman's every event in school. Events which gave him meaning and memory in life. As for me, I went through everything on my own. The day that I received the award in JC, the times when I performed in public.
I hate this. I hate this favouritism. F*** them!!!!
They appear concerned simply because of the biological links that I have in my body. Otherwise, I doubt they would ever pay any attention to me at all.
3) Who are they to advise me to save money? Have they set an example by doing it? I do not think so. When they made the comment, was it because they think that I am like them? Spending money without any concern for the future?
That is an insult to me. I am not like them. Yes. I go for quality. I live a life of a certain standard which i am comfortable with. But I know my limits. Not like them.
4) "Have you learnt to cook?" This is a question they posed to me. I have to say that cooking is a survival skill. No doubt about that. Yet, I read their question with a different meaning. The message that I got from them is 'Do you know how to cook? That will be your responsibility in future. You have to cook for your husband and serve him well.' F*** them!!!!!!! I am not a subordinate to males. I am not a slave. I do not have to serve anyone other than myself for this is my own life that I am leading. Do not impose your values on me for I do not subscribe to them.
The entire event may have gone smoothly without and displays of extreme emotions. Yet, underlying the courtesies, i hate to say that I sense the condescending attitude and mindset. i hate that. I detest that.
So was I really a mistake made in a moment of lust? Is my gender a mistake as well? Who are they to judge me and say that I am inferior? And who are they to take away my pride and glory for the hard work that I have put in and survived?
My feelings of hatred haved surged over the years and they have also taken a dip. I am tired. I want to be happy with my new life with Matt in a home where I do not feel threatened. They have made bad decisions which caused feelings of negativity. I have been angry. But I just want to let it go. Perhaps I may never forgive them for what they did to me. Perhaps I may slowly forget them as I embark on a new life. But do not expect me to do anything to make them happy for they caused me pain for the past 26 years of my life.
Dear Lord
Am I being revengeful? Am I wrong? Please give me a sign.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Not enough?
The phrase "not enough" has been appearing in a book that I have read many times. The book is about feeling good about oneself and it explains some of the possible reasons why we fall into the trap of depression or unhappiness as we tread through the hills and valleys in life.
I overheard a conversation between two colleagues at work in an investment firm. Both were discussing which brand of bags to purchase and how to get them. One of them has just return from US and the other was lamenting that she missed the opportunity to give her a shopping list of branded goods to buy.
It struck me that while there are others around them who are struggling to make ends meet, they were racking their brains on how to lay their hands on things which are perhaps of a better quality, but not a necessity. It is ironic. It is sad.
The image of children not having enough to eat and not having access to education comes into mind. I feel sad for them. I want to do something for them. I hope that I can in the future. I want to try to reduce the impact of the meaning of "not enough" for them. I want to show them that we are rich in thoughts and meaning in life. We can be, if only we dig deep within ourselves.
I overheard a conversation between two colleagues at work in an investment firm. Both were discussing which brand of bags to purchase and how to get them. One of them has just return from US and the other was lamenting that she missed the opportunity to give her a shopping list of branded goods to buy.
It struck me that while there are others around them who are struggling to make ends meet, they were racking their brains on how to lay their hands on things which are perhaps of a better quality, but not a necessity. It is ironic. It is sad.
The image of children not having enough to eat and not having access to education comes into mind. I feel sad for them. I want to do something for them. I hope that I can in the future. I want to try to reduce the impact of the meaning of "not enough" for them. I want to show them that we are rich in thoughts and meaning in life. We can be, if only we dig deep within ourselves.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
A Planter (der Anbauer) und a Gardener (der Gaertner)
I was thinking about this idea. Teachers are gardeners. They tend to the needs of the garden. In a garden, there are many elements and there are many inhabitants. There are flowers and grass, there are animals and insects. All in all, they make up a beautiful landscape if care is given to them. Tender, loving care.
I imagine my future pupils and students as the elements in a garden. They are the flowers, the grass, the bugs, the insects and possible the animals living in the garden. And I am the gardener. I want to attend to their needs to the best of my abilities so as to help them grow and bloom. All of them are interlinked with one another. Most important of all, they are entitled to a happy childhood. They are entitled to be in an environment where they can feel safe and learn and generate their own ideas and thinking.
The role of a gardener and a planter is different. A planter creates the elements. I am not the planter, or am I? From one perspective, the planter could be the almighty being whom we have no idea exactly who he or she is despite all the justifications from the different religious factions. Or it could be us, the ones who multiply to ensure continuation of the human race?
At this point in time, I am aware that I am not ready to play the role of a planter. I can only play the role of a gardener. But that is enough for me. Every opportunity to tend to the needs of the little ones simply put a smile to my face and brings my soul to a realm where there is peace and tranquility and joy. For I know that I can and have brought and will bring to them moments to cherish and remember, moments which I have not had before, but they will have them.
I imagine my future pupils and students as the elements in a garden. They are the flowers, the grass, the bugs, the insects and possible the animals living in the garden. And I am the gardener. I want to attend to their needs to the best of my abilities so as to help them grow and bloom. All of them are interlinked with one another. Most important of all, they are entitled to a happy childhood. They are entitled to be in an environment where they can feel safe and learn and generate their own ideas and thinking.
The role of a gardener and a planter is different. A planter creates the elements. I am not the planter, or am I? From one perspective, the planter could be the almighty being whom we have no idea exactly who he or she is despite all the justifications from the different religious factions. Or it could be us, the ones who multiply to ensure continuation of the human race?
At this point in time, I am aware that I am not ready to play the role of a planter. I can only play the role of a gardener. But that is enough for me. Every opportunity to tend to the needs of the little ones simply put a smile to my face and brings my soul to a realm where there is peace and tranquility and joy. For I know that I can and have brought and will bring to them moments to cherish and remember, moments which I have not had before, but they will have them.
Monday, April 24, 2006
The importance of Communication
The recent weekend was a nightmare for me and him. The root cause of it: lack of clear communication and of course, differing perspectives.
I thought he was being cowardly. Yet, he was doing what he did as he thought that I was more interested and anxious in viewing the flats. So he loves me afterall! :)
I was upset and anxious and wanted to get the news out to them asap. This has been on my mind for a long time and I am a person who does not like to keep secrets. I want things to be out in the open (of course when appropriate) and a clear conscience.
He made the decision to view the flats because he thought I wanted to get a flat asap. And hence accommodated me despite being sick.
So both of us were irritated and upset with each other simply because we had different perspectives and had different filters in our minds. We interpreted and diagnosed the situation differently. Our diagnoses led to different actions and consequences.
But I am glad that we got things out in the open.
Come to think of it, it was really fun and stupid of me to cry and vent my frustrations going bowling and movies with my friends. But I am also very happy that my friends were there for me when I needed someone. Thank you Friends!!!!!!
I thought he was being cowardly. Yet, he was doing what he did as he thought that I was more interested and anxious in viewing the flats. So he loves me afterall! :)
I was upset and anxious and wanted to get the news out to them asap. This has been on my mind for a long time and I am a person who does not like to keep secrets. I want things to be out in the open (of course when appropriate) and a clear conscience.
He made the decision to view the flats because he thought I wanted to get a flat asap. And hence accommodated me despite being sick.
So both of us were irritated and upset with each other simply because we had different perspectives and had different filters in our minds. We interpreted and diagnosed the situation differently. Our diagnoses led to different actions and consequences.
But I am glad that we got things out in the open.
Come to think of it, it was really fun and stupid of me to cry and vent my frustrations going bowling and movies with my friends. But I am also very happy that my friends were there for me when I needed someone. Thank you Friends!!!!!!
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Quick thoughts
Sometimes, I wonder if he is really a coward or too much of a perfectionist. Why do I have to suffer in his hands? Or why do I batter myself so badly as a result of his actions? Do I not always tell myself that I have the choice to be happy, that I have the choice not to allow other people to hurt me or make me feel sad? Why have I not learnt to exercise that choice when the situation is appropriate?
I felt so used, so taken for granted, so hopeless. It is like he has forgotten the simple principle of respecting me when making decisions. How could he have done that? How could he have agreed to the appointment with the agent without first consulting and confirming with me? Is it because I have been consulting him on all things and he is so used to making the decisions? THat is not what a relationship is based on. It is mutual respect and agreement. I am still very angry. The anger in me has not diminished and it is coming out in all forms. Aggression, depression, isolation. I have never been this upset before. I think, it has come to a point where he has really tripped one of the important wires in me. Respect. I feel that he has lost respect for me after I have been so accommodating. F*** h**.
I know that I am angry at this actions. But at the end of the day, it is still love. We are all people. We have feelings. Sometimes, our actions are the results of thoughtlessness and the taking of things for granted. Such behavious result in negative consequences. But people are still good by nature. Or at least majority of them are.
I see clearly now that he is afraid. He is afraid of taking up the responsibility for his actions. How did this happen? Upbringing. Traditional, conventional upbringing by his mother in particular.
Perhaps expectations today are different. I am not too sure. While couples are having babies, I truly wonder if they ever thought of how they should bring up their children? Or do they just have babies and then leave them at different caregivers at different stages of the children's lives and give them all the material gifts and think that they are good parents?
I have yet to meet parents who can truly play their part well. This is sad, for the children will grow up with many deficit pockets in their records and these have an impact on how they will lead their lives in future and how they will bring up their future generations.
God help us. Amen.
I felt so used, so taken for granted, so hopeless. It is like he has forgotten the simple principle of respecting me when making decisions. How could he have done that? How could he have agreed to the appointment with the agent without first consulting and confirming with me? Is it because I have been consulting him on all things and he is so used to making the decisions? THat is not what a relationship is based on. It is mutual respect and agreement. I am still very angry. The anger in me has not diminished and it is coming out in all forms. Aggression, depression, isolation. I have never been this upset before. I think, it has come to a point where he has really tripped one of the important wires in me. Respect. I feel that he has lost respect for me after I have been so accommodating. F*** h**.
I know that I am angry at this actions. But at the end of the day, it is still love. We are all people. We have feelings. Sometimes, our actions are the results of thoughtlessness and the taking of things for granted. Such behavious result in negative consequences. But people are still good by nature. Or at least majority of them are.
I see clearly now that he is afraid. He is afraid of taking up the responsibility for his actions. How did this happen? Upbringing. Traditional, conventional upbringing by his mother in particular.
Perhaps expectations today are different. I am not too sure. While couples are having babies, I truly wonder if they ever thought of how they should bring up their children? Or do they just have babies and then leave them at different caregivers at different stages of the children's lives and give them all the material gifts and think that they are good parents?
I have yet to meet parents who can truly play their part well. This is sad, for the children will grow up with many deficit pockets in their records and these have an impact on how they will lead their lives in future and how they will bring up their future generations.
God help us. Amen.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Career, Profession and Job
A career is an occupation that we create. It is about our personal history It is our vision and agenda into which we put our energy.
A person with a career could be anybody from an entrepreneur to an actor, artist, writer or disc jockey.
A profession is an occupation that we earn. We fulfill certain academic requirements, study, train and practice in a particular field. Usually our identity is in our profession:doctor psychologist, dentist, lawyer, teacher or professor.
A job is an occupation to make money that supports us and our family. Usually we are working for someone else. It is our work, but itis not our life's work.
Many times, we hold a job while we are finding and building our career, our profession and our life's work.
Title of Book : Too tired to keep running, too scared to stop
Author: Joyce Nelson Patenaude, Phd
A person with a career could be anybody from an entrepreneur to an actor, artist, writer or disc jockey.
A profession is an occupation that we earn. We fulfill certain academic requirements, study, train and practice in a particular field. Usually our identity is in our profession:doctor psychologist, dentist, lawyer, teacher or professor.
A job is an occupation to make money that supports us and our family. Usually we are working for someone else. It is our work, but itis not our life's work.
Many times, we hold a job while we are finding and building our career, our profession and our life's work.
Title of Book : Too tired to keep running, too scared to stop
Author: Joyce Nelson Patenaude, Phd
Some interesting things which I read lately
The following are excerpts of some of the materials that I have been reading recently.
************************************************************************************
"WHen Sigmung Freud was asked,' What is the meaning of life?' he answered,'Love and work.' For many, especially in our Western culture, work comes first because it is viewed as a means to get love, contentment and happiness and to find meaning in life. Many people measure their worth by what they do, not who they are. Work is the area of our lives in which we can strive to prove our worth of being enough."
"Work, however, is an opportunity to find and express the true meaning of our lives. We are here to express the potential that lies dormant in all of us. Each of us has gifts that are not being expressed becaused they have been contaminated by limiting beliefs connected to work. We think we work to find meaning and achieve status so eventually we will be enough, but the truth is, we are already enough, and work is the expression of the passion that comes from fulfilling our potential It is in this expression that we experience meaning and purposed to our lives.
Author: Joyce Nelson Patenaude, PH.D
Title of Book: Too tired to keep running, Too scared to stop
*************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************
"WHen Sigmung Freud was asked,' What is the meaning of life?' he answered,'Love and work.' For many, especially in our Western culture, work comes first because it is viewed as a means to get love, contentment and happiness and to find meaning in life. Many people measure their worth by what they do, not who they are. Work is the area of our lives in which we can strive to prove our worth of being enough."
"Work, however, is an opportunity to find and express the true meaning of our lives. We are here to express the potential that lies dormant in all of us. Each of us has gifts that are not being expressed becaused they have been contaminated by limiting beliefs connected to work. We think we work to find meaning and achieve status so eventually we will be enough, but the truth is, we are already enough, and work is the expression of the passion that comes from fulfilling our potential It is in this expression that we experience meaning and purposed to our lives.
Author: Joyce Nelson Patenaude, PH.D
Title of Book: Too tired to keep running, Too scared to stop
*************************************************************************************
Monday, April 17, 2006
Alone and frightened
Once again, I know that I am slipping into the cocoon that I have weaved for myself long long ago to keep myself from danger, pain and hurt. While I protect myself from external pain, I suffer also from internal pain as I try to rationalize what goes on around me. Tears have been my companion for the past few days. I feel tired and restless. I do not want to do anything. I just want to sleep my way through all this pain. But no matter how much I sleep or wet my pillows with my tears, the pain would not go away, nor would the fear.
There is no one with whom I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Not even Matt. The words just would not come out. And when I look at Matt's face, it simply deters me from saying anything because I know that he would be cynical and indifferent. So much has been bottled inside me that I think I can explode any moment. So many instances, I just want to end it with a slit. Just a simple one without much pain.
NOwadays, he is so busy that we do not really talk anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if the flame has been blown out. We do not do special things anymore. Just go about the daily routines. At his place, he listens to his cantonese cds and reads his books. I have nothing much to do except to read my books. There are no more activities that we do together anymore. I wonder if there is still love between the two of us. Or is it just out of routine and obligation.
I do not want to end up like J and realise that there has never been anything between two persons after eight years.
I want to be happy too. But I just cannot.
Dear Lord
Please help me. I just want to be happy. Teach me to be happy. Guide me and show me the light. Please. I beg you.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
There is no one with whom I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Not even Matt. The words just would not come out. And when I look at Matt's face, it simply deters me from saying anything because I know that he would be cynical and indifferent. So much has been bottled inside me that I think I can explode any moment. So many instances, I just want to end it with a slit. Just a simple one without much pain.
NOwadays, he is so busy that we do not really talk anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if the flame has been blown out. We do not do special things anymore. Just go about the daily routines. At his place, he listens to his cantonese cds and reads his books. I have nothing much to do except to read my books. There are no more activities that we do together anymore. I wonder if there is still love between the two of us. Or is it just out of routine and obligation.
I do not want to end up like J and realise that there has never been anything between two persons after eight years.
I want to be happy too. But I just cannot.
Dear Lord
Please help me. I just want to be happy. Teach me to be happy. Guide me and show me the light. Please. I beg you.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Alone and wondering...
Alone and wondering……………..
I wonder how other children feel when they live with people who threaten their lives everyday. Do they feel what I feel? Every movement that you make is being monitored. And every movement may invite violence. One feels so scrutinized and controlled. One feels so fearful for the personal space and boundaries have been crossed.
I may not be able to truly experience what those children go through. But I know for sure that their hearts are so full of fear. They feel lost and they so look forward to someone who could deliver them from harm. When they find this special person who can understand them and guide them, the children try their very best to hold on to this person and follow them wherever they go. Yet so often, the grip gets lose and the connection is broken. For many of these children, they are forced to struggle and find their own ways out of the puddle that they are in. For those who are able to bring themselves out of the puddles, they often find joy and happiness. For those who are unable to, they end up still being dirty in the puddle. And there is the other group who found themselves out of the puddle and somehow in the puddle again. It hurts so badly. The heart does not only feel the sting for that second, instead, the heart aches every moment it pumps blood to various parts of the body. It is torturing and it never seems to be able to end.
Loneliness, fear, sadness, futility, hopelessness looms in the air around me. So often, they have looked for me for companionship. And so often, I felt obliged to keep them company for they make me feel sad to leave them alone.
I once had joy and happiness as companions. They were so wonderful and lovely. Yet, somehow, due to circumstances, I had to leave them behind, in a place far, far away. How I long for them. I miss them so much. I want them by my side so badly. I would give up anything just to have them back with me again. I want to be in an environment where I can feel safe and loved. What have I done to not deserve that, dear Lord? Have I been a very bad person? What did I do wrong before?
I wish I had wings. Wings which could take me far, far away to where my good friends are.
No one understands how I feel. Not even Matt. Not even N. The deepest feelings are still hidden deep within. As much as I have opened up to them, they have not managed to find the key to unlock the door. Or rather, it is not their job to unlock the door. It is mine. I chose not to let them in for fear that they may see the vulnerable side of me. Matt would use it to his advantage. N would try to console me and help me but his focus should be on S now. I should not burden them with my own insecurities and fears. This is something which I have to work on myself. While they mentioned that there should not be any lines drawn, I am still not ready to let them into this part of me yet.
Matt brought happiness and joy to me, although he brought sadness and anxiety too. Yet, many a times, when I really need someone, he is not there. I am always alone. I just do not understand why. Has this been planned by God? Is it destined that I always have to find a corner to hide and cry till I am too tired to go on?
Dear Lord, I am really tired and lost. What lesson should I be learning from all these? A lesson that emphasizes that people grow up differently and we all need to learn how to live with one another? I am not sure if I can. I am not sure if I can tolerate any longer. Can I end everything here, just like this? I do not have the energy to go on; can I just leave this world? Have I done what there is to do?
Please help me Lord, Please show me the way. I need your strength and guidance. Please, dear Lord, I beg you.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
I wonder how other children feel when they live with people who threaten their lives everyday. Do they feel what I feel? Every movement that you make is being monitored. And every movement may invite violence. One feels so scrutinized and controlled. One feels so fearful for the personal space and boundaries have been crossed.
I may not be able to truly experience what those children go through. But I know for sure that their hearts are so full of fear. They feel lost and they so look forward to someone who could deliver them from harm. When they find this special person who can understand them and guide them, the children try their very best to hold on to this person and follow them wherever they go. Yet so often, the grip gets lose and the connection is broken. For many of these children, they are forced to struggle and find their own ways out of the puddle that they are in. For those who are able to bring themselves out of the puddles, they often find joy and happiness. For those who are unable to, they end up still being dirty in the puddle. And there is the other group who found themselves out of the puddle and somehow in the puddle again. It hurts so badly. The heart does not only feel the sting for that second, instead, the heart aches every moment it pumps blood to various parts of the body. It is torturing and it never seems to be able to end.
Loneliness, fear, sadness, futility, hopelessness looms in the air around me. So often, they have looked for me for companionship. And so often, I felt obliged to keep them company for they make me feel sad to leave them alone.
I once had joy and happiness as companions. They were so wonderful and lovely. Yet, somehow, due to circumstances, I had to leave them behind, in a place far, far away. How I long for them. I miss them so much. I want them by my side so badly. I would give up anything just to have them back with me again. I want to be in an environment where I can feel safe and loved. What have I done to not deserve that, dear Lord? Have I been a very bad person? What did I do wrong before?
I wish I had wings. Wings which could take me far, far away to where my good friends are.
No one understands how I feel. Not even Matt. Not even N. The deepest feelings are still hidden deep within. As much as I have opened up to them, they have not managed to find the key to unlock the door. Or rather, it is not their job to unlock the door. It is mine. I chose not to let them in for fear that they may see the vulnerable side of me. Matt would use it to his advantage. N would try to console me and help me but his focus should be on S now. I should not burden them with my own insecurities and fears. This is something which I have to work on myself. While they mentioned that there should not be any lines drawn, I am still not ready to let them into this part of me yet.
Matt brought happiness and joy to me, although he brought sadness and anxiety too. Yet, many a times, when I really need someone, he is not there. I am always alone. I just do not understand why. Has this been planned by God? Is it destined that I always have to find a corner to hide and cry till I am too tired to go on?
Dear Lord, I am really tired and lost. What lesson should I be learning from all these? A lesson that emphasizes that people grow up differently and we all need to learn how to live with one another? I am not sure if I can. I am not sure if I can tolerate any longer. Can I end everything here, just like this? I do not have the energy to go on; can I just leave this world? Have I done what there is to do?
Please help me Lord, Please show me the way. I need your strength and guidance. Please, dear Lord, I beg you.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Sweet Moments
Today went by without any highlights. No news from the recruitment agency. No news from MOE. I am just waiting. Waiting for the time to come. Yet, something struck me today. Out of boredom, I watched television programmes. There was this Korean serial showing. I am not exactly sure of the entire plot, but it does seem like a young eighteen-year-old girl is trying all means to get married to her uncle just to escape having to take the examinations for university entrance. The story is interesting and funny. It explores, at this stage, what a young and naive girl would do just to achieve her goal of not taking the entrance examinations.I have to say that the girl was very clever. SHe knew how to manipulate all the resources around her to get what she wanted.
During the commercials, they showed some scenes of the female and male leads. One of the scene was that of them kissing with snow in the backdrop. It was a very sweet and romantic scene. I felt warmth and sweetness. Thoughts of love and emotions filled my mind. I love the combination of innocence, love, purity, warmth, beauty and gentleness. It allowed me to escape momentarily into a world of love and beauty, a world where there is no pain and hurt, only happiness and joy.
Well, at the same time, I have to say that the lead actor and actress looks really good too...Haha...
During the commercials, they showed some scenes of the female and male leads. One of the scene was that of them kissing with snow in the backdrop. It was a very sweet and romantic scene. I felt warmth and sweetness. Thoughts of love and emotions filled my mind. I love the combination of innocence, love, purity, warmth, beauty and gentleness. It allowed me to escape momentarily into a world of love and beauty, a world where there is no pain and hurt, only happiness and joy.
Well, at the same time, I have to say that the lead actor and actress looks really good too...Haha...
Monday, April 10, 2006
Anxiety.....because it matters a lot to me?
Recently, I noticed that my anxiety towards my future career path of teaching has been increasing. Thoughts are constantly running through my mind. QUestion tags have been flying in and out the window.
- Are you sure you have the grammar rules and other content knowledge at your finger tips?
- Are you prepared for empty periods or time which you need to fill up with fillers?
- Have you read up on the different development stages of the children?
- What happens when the students do not behave? Are you prepared to deal with such incidents? Do you keep at least a few ideas on hand?
- What is the image that you want to project to the class?
- What are the rules that you want to establish in the class?
- Where is the list of things that you need to note prior to term commencement?
- What are your views towards teaching? What is your philosophy like?
- When observing your mentors, which aspects would you pay attention to?
- How do we connnect with the pupils? What are the signs that we have to take note of to be sure that we can be there to help them when they need assistance?
- How can I send the message to them that they have to power to achieve as long as they believe in themselves and try hard enough?
- How can I convince them that education will being them long-term benefits?
- How can I motivate them to learn?
There are just so many concerns that I have that I have no idea where to begin. I want to learn as much as I can during teacher training. I want to build my capability such that I can be a more effective and efficient teacher so that I can bring the joy of learning to the children.
Somehow, I am beginning to feel that every single thought matters a lot to me. I breathe, eat and sleep on thoughts of teaching and education and children development. It has enveloped me. It has consumed me. It has also started my engine. It gave me the inspiration and power to look into my inner self and find clarity.
I need to work on it. I need to do what I can to prepare myself. Although there is so much I can do, I will try to do whatever I can.Afterall, it may be about me. It boils down to what makes me happy. Seeing the smiles on their faces and knowing that they have a connection with me. Knowing that they are slowly bringing their potential out of themselves to face the challenges of the future. That is what brings warmth and joy to my heart.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
People who walk with you
In the course of walking through our lives, there are times when there are more than just one set of footprints. Sometimes, there are other pairs of feet walking along with you in your life and leaving footprints where you have been. They may be there for short or long periods of time.
Looking at my life now, I see a few sets of footprints alongside mine. I cherish them. They are dear to me. I love them and I treasure them. Two sets of the footprints belonging to N and S are especially loved. Both of them were there for me when I needed someone to talk to and when I need comfort and solace. As I write this, tears well up in my eyes. And my heart softens with warmth and love. N and S are kind people. N has been there for me since my early teenage days. He has guided me and stayed with me for a long long time. Now, S has joined in. Both of them have found each other and I am happy for them.
At first, I used to think that I need to take a step back because I did not want to intrude into their lives or cause any discomfort. Yet, after the heartfelt talk with them last night, they told me that I need not do that. They told me that friends to not draw lines and will be there for each other. Friends do not lie to each other. Instead, they are honest and frank.
They spent about an hour plus listening to me and offerring their views and perspectives. It was a session where there was nothing except truth and sincerity. I was touched. I found my light. I did not have to feel as if I lost someone dear to me for the past ten years. They opened their arms and invited me to join in their quest for happiness and joy in their lives. They saw me as someone who is part of the family.
I felt loved. I felt cared for. I felt safe. It has been a long long time since I felt that way. I did not feel judged. I did not feel diminished. I could be who I was. Such feelings simply touched my heart like the way an angel would swing her magic wand and turn an ugly duckling into a swan. Only God knows how my heart felt at that time. Words could not describe the feelings. It was so real, so wonderful, so amazing. All I ask for is to be treated with respect and for who I am. I do not like to be put down all the time. I need support and love. N and S were the only ones who have managed to give me that. They are true and sincere and want me to be happy like they are.
I really hope that these two sets of footprints would walk alongside mine for a long long time to come, for they are like the angels God has sent to help and guide me through my journey.
Having friends like N and S is just like God carriyingme on his shoulders, people who should share the pain with you, but who would also share the joy with you. Thank you Lord!
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Footprints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamedhe was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the verylowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Looking at my life now, I see a few sets of footprints alongside mine. I cherish them. They are dear to me. I love them and I treasure them. Two sets of the footprints belonging to N and S are especially loved. Both of them were there for me when I needed someone to talk to and when I need comfort and solace. As I write this, tears well up in my eyes. And my heart softens with warmth and love. N and S are kind people. N has been there for me since my early teenage days. He has guided me and stayed with me for a long long time. Now, S has joined in. Both of them have found each other and I am happy for them.
At first, I used to think that I need to take a step back because I did not want to intrude into their lives or cause any discomfort. Yet, after the heartfelt talk with them last night, they told me that I need not do that. They told me that friends to not draw lines and will be there for each other. Friends do not lie to each other. Instead, they are honest and frank.
They spent about an hour plus listening to me and offerring their views and perspectives. It was a session where there was nothing except truth and sincerity. I was touched. I found my light. I did not have to feel as if I lost someone dear to me for the past ten years. They opened their arms and invited me to join in their quest for happiness and joy in their lives. They saw me as someone who is part of the family.
I felt loved. I felt cared for. I felt safe. It has been a long long time since I felt that way. I did not feel judged. I did not feel diminished. I could be who I was. Such feelings simply touched my heart like the way an angel would swing her magic wand and turn an ugly duckling into a swan. Only God knows how my heart felt at that time. Words could not describe the feelings. It was so real, so wonderful, so amazing. All I ask for is to be treated with respect and for who I am. I do not like to be put down all the time. I need support and love. N and S were the only ones who have managed to give me that. They are true and sincere and want me to be happy like they are.
I really hope that these two sets of footprints would walk alongside mine for a long long time to come, for they are like the angels God has sent to help and guide me through my journey.
Having friends like N and S is just like God carriyingme on his shoulders, people who should share the pain with you, but who would also share the joy with you. Thank you Lord!
====================================================================
Footprints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamedhe was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the verylowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
The problems lies with me..
I read something recently. It is an idea. Or it could be a perception. THe story goes like this:
IMagine a teacher in front of a class of students. The students are noisy and not paying attention to the teacher. They are doing all things possible to irritate the teacher; talking to each other, playing and teasing one another, drawing pictures and so on. Naturally, one would think that the teacher would get angry and scold the class.
But that is how children behave. They like to have fun and do the things that make them smile. Children will be children. It is no point getting all angry and screaming at them. Rather, it would be more productive to play along with them. Inject fun and laughter in your class.
But that is not the point of the story. The point of the story is that if the teacher gets angry, the teacher has a problem. The problem with the teacher is that he or she does not understand completely the behaviour of the children and the psychology behind it. The teacher has not taken the initative to think of ways to connect with the children. The teacher has not internalised the fact that the children has yet to master the concept of discipline and order. THey are still learning!
Moral of the story is that the problem may lie with the subject if the subject is unable to understand their objects clearly.
Applying this to the other aspects of my life, perhaps the problem lies with me. Especially when it comes to the topic of living with his parents. THey grew up in a different environment and had a totally different system encoded in their minds. So why should I be upset and angry and fearful? They are not doing anything on purpose to hurt me. They are just being who they are.
The fact now is that we all have different ideas and value systems. We have to tolerate each other and seek some form of compromise. That is the only thing we can do since there is no opportunity of moving out and living on our own.
Well, it is true that my hopes and dreams of having my own home has been dashed. But there is nothing much I can do since finance is the main point of consideration. Or rather, economically, it does not make sense to pay for two apartments at the same time.
Oh Lord, how many times do I have to tell myself this till it is very much ingrained in me? The process hurts so much. It scares me and drives me so often to tears and shivers. I pray for your guidance and assistance, such that I may see things in a more positive light. Amen.
IMagine a teacher in front of a class of students. The students are noisy and not paying attention to the teacher. They are doing all things possible to irritate the teacher; talking to each other, playing and teasing one another, drawing pictures and so on. Naturally, one would think that the teacher would get angry and scold the class.
But that is how children behave. They like to have fun and do the things that make them smile. Children will be children. It is no point getting all angry and screaming at them. Rather, it would be more productive to play along with them. Inject fun and laughter in your class.
But that is not the point of the story. The point of the story is that if the teacher gets angry, the teacher has a problem. The problem with the teacher is that he or she does not understand completely the behaviour of the children and the psychology behind it. The teacher has not taken the initative to think of ways to connect with the children. The teacher has not internalised the fact that the children has yet to master the concept of discipline and order. THey are still learning!
Moral of the story is that the problem may lie with the subject if the subject is unable to understand their objects clearly.
Applying this to the other aspects of my life, perhaps the problem lies with me. Especially when it comes to the topic of living with his parents. THey grew up in a different environment and had a totally different system encoded in their minds. So why should I be upset and angry and fearful? They are not doing anything on purpose to hurt me. They are just being who they are.
The fact now is that we all have different ideas and value systems. We have to tolerate each other and seek some form of compromise. That is the only thing we can do since there is no opportunity of moving out and living on our own.
Well, it is true that my hopes and dreams of having my own home has been dashed. But there is nothing much I can do since finance is the main point of consideration. Or rather, economically, it does not make sense to pay for two apartments at the same time.
Oh Lord, how many times do I have to tell myself this till it is very much ingrained in me? The process hurts so much. It scares me and drives me so often to tears and shivers. I pray for your guidance and assistance, such that I may see things in a more positive light. Amen.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Why can't I listen to stories?
I made a trip down to Pasir Ris Library today. The objective was to attend a story-telling session at the Activity Room. There was no information on the website that indicated anything about entrance except that it was free. So I went down with joy and excitement hoping to pick up some tips and ideas on how to be a story-teller.
The lady at the counter dropped the bomb of disppointment on me when she told me that the session was only for children between the ages of four to eight. She asked if I had any kids. I said no. Then she apologised for the fact that I will not be able to attend the session.
I wonder why. Initially, one would think that this is purely a story-telling session. Why would age be a factor? I am not sure. Perhaps, such measures would allow children to feel more comfortable in being themselves and expressing themselves. Perhaps, because I do not fall within the targeted customer segment, the lady thought that it would be a waste of my time.
Is that how we lose ourselves as we grow older? We fail to bring ourselves back to where we we can feel safe and really be ourselves. Free from worries and constraints. Free from critical eyes. Real freedom!
Or have story-telling been translated into movies for adults? But they are two different things?
The lady at the counter dropped the bomb of disppointment on me when she told me that the session was only for children between the ages of four to eight. She asked if I had any kids. I said no. Then she apologised for the fact that I will not be able to attend the session.
I wonder why. Initially, one would think that this is purely a story-telling session. Why would age be a factor? I am not sure. Perhaps, such measures would allow children to feel more comfortable in being themselves and expressing themselves. Perhaps, because I do not fall within the targeted customer segment, the lady thought that it would be a waste of my time.
Is that how we lose ourselves as we grow older? We fail to bring ourselves back to where we we can feel safe and really be ourselves. Free from worries and constraints. Free from critical eyes. Real freedom!
Or have story-telling been translated into movies for adults? But they are two different things?
Life is different, but how different?
I have been back for a week already. Time has been spent trying to adjust my biological clock to the time zone here and meeting up and catching up with my friends.
He has started work and it has been hectic. It is typical of the lifestyle in Singapore. People work long hours. Somehow, I wonder if I am losing it. I knew that life would be different. But I just did not know how different it would be. Here I am typing away at my laptop while he is somewhere on this planet doing God knows what! When both of us are so busy at work in the future, what would happen to us? What would happen to our lives? What would happen to our relationship? Would things fall back to what it was in the past? Would negativities such as distrust, lack of faith and impatience ruin what we have built up over the past one year?
Perhaps I am simply thinking too much.
He has started work and it has been hectic. It is typical of the lifestyle in Singapore. People work long hours. Somehow, I wonder if I am losing it. I knew that life would be different. But I just did not know how different it would be. Here I am typing away at my laptop while he is somewhere on this planet doing God knows what! When both of us are so busy at work in the future, what would happen to us? What would happen to our lives? What would happen to our relationship? Would things fall back to what it was in the past? Would negativities such as distrust, lack of faith and impatience ruin what we have built up over the past one year?
Perhaps I am simply thinking too much.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Is my view of the teaching profession skewed?
Today's attendance at the briefing was an eye-opener. It was totally different from what I expected. Or is it really that different?
There were about a hundred and fifty people in the auditorium....They are all teachers-to-be. And they are all younger than me. I guess most of them are undergraduates. There were several aspects which really hit me in my face.
There were about a hundred and fifty people in the auditorium....They are all teachers-to-be. And they are all younger than me. I guess most of them are undergraduates. There were several aspects which really hit me in my face.
- They dressed as if they were going to a party or a casual event. Jeans, mini-skirts, t-shirts, sandals, slippers...
- They were mostly in groups, as if this is an outing. Most of them were chatting happily as they see more and more of their friends turning up. It seemed more like a gathering of old friends than an official briefing.
- Most people still expect to be spoon-fed. For example, while filling up the forms, they were simply not following and expecting people to point out to them. I wonder if they made the effort to look through the stack of papers carefully. Well, one excuse is that the stack was simply too thick. Or is it?
- There was a girl sitting in front of me reading her lecture/ tutorial case study while the person on the stage was trying so hard to present the terms and conditions of the teaching service.
Or am I being too sensitive and serious about this entire episode? Am I expecting too much? Am I too narrow-minded in how the teaching service should be? Or am I simply too old to accept such behaviour?
To a certain extent, I do agree that teachers have to be spontaneous and fun people so that students will derive enjoyment in the process of learning. But I think, today's circumstances were just not the time to be fun and spontaneous. There were procedures to be executed and I believe that it really needed the attention and focus of everyone in the auditorium.
What was I expecting from today's briefing? How did I want things to turn out? I had thought that it would be a serious event on the basis that we are talking about bonds and liquidated damages and the future and impact on the students. I thought very much about how I could help my pupils overcome challenges as they grow up to be knowledgeable and confident people who would be able to face life with conviction and a smile. I was focusing so much on how I could be an effective facilitator, communicator and counselor. I was constantly thinking about how I could make lessons interesting....and so on.....there are just so many things on my mind.
Perhaps that is why I was not able to accept their behaviour. They seemed so carefree and relaxed. They did not seem to carry anything on their shoulders other than where to have lunch or where to go for their vacation.
Am I taking things to the extreme here?
Give me a sign , dear Lord!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Paranoia
Sometimes, I get very frustrated thinking that she is always coming in between us. Just because of her, we have to make changes in our lives. Just because of her, my dream of establishing my very own cosy and loving home has gone down the drain.
Is it her? Or is it him? The one who is not able to stand up for himself and make clear what he wants.
Or is it me being too self-centred?
Just because of her her, I am feeling so stressed out. I am angry. I am upset. I am jealous. I am sad. Why?
Because I do not feel safe around her. Because I feel her eyes everywhere all the time. Because she has been made out to be like one evil witch. Because she has been made out to be a tyrant. With her around, I am not able to be myself. I have to constantly watch my behaviour and expressions. I cannot be loud. I cannot be the real me: the bubbly and talkative me.
I have to live by her rules and commands. I have to live by her mood swings.
Well, one may ask, are we all not doing that all the time? Learning to live with one another? I guess so. Yet, the major challenge that I have now is the extreme poles of differing mindsets and beliefs. West versus East. Conventional versus Contemporary. Closed versus opened.
Or perhaps, what is bugging me is actually the lost of privacy and intimacy shared between the both of us.
Lord
I pray for your guidance to teach me how I should manage this situation. Am I thinking negatively without justification? Am I thinking too much?
I pray for inner peace.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Is it her? Or is it him? The one who is not able to stand up for himself and make clear what he wants.
Or is it me being too self-centred?
Just because of her her, I am feeling so stressed out. I am angry. I am upset. I am jealous. I am sad. Why?
Because I do not feel safe around her. Because I feel her eyes everywhere all the time. Because she has been made out to be like one evil witch. Because she has been made out to be a tyrant. With her around, I am not able to be myself. I have to constantly watch my behaviour and expressions. I cannot be loud. I cannot be the real me: the bubbly and talkative me.
I have to live by her rules and commands. I have to live by her mood swings.
Well, one may ask, are we all not doing that all the time? Learning to live with one another? I guess so. Yet, the major challenge that I have now is the extreme poles of differing mindsets and beliefs. West versus East. Conventional versus Contemporary. Closed versus opened.
Or perhaps, what is bugging me is actually the lost of privacy and intimacy shared between the both of us.
Lord
I pray for your guidance to teach me how I should manage this situation. Am I thinking negatively without justification? Am I thinking too much?
I pray for inner peace.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Thursday
Thursday, 30 March 2006
I woke up in the morning and we got ready for breakfast at the hotel. For the last few days, we have been staying at the Admiral Hotel in Copenhagen: a beautiful, rustic and well-located hotel. CHeck out the picture.....http://www.admiralhotel.dk/article.aspx?id=130097
We had a nice breakfast at the restaurant and came back to pack our bags. Soon, we were on the taxi on the way to the airport. In less than 30 minutes, we were checked in and were on our way to the duty-free outlets. In a flash, we were comfortably seated on the plane and ready for take-off.
It was an emotional time for me. Tears rolled down my face as the plane took off. I miss Copenhagen. I miss the friends that I have made in school. I miss seeing the children clad in bulky winter jackets walking along the lakes and streets. I miss seeing the parents pushing their strollers in the parks. I miss the cold weather. I miss the air that I have breathed. I miss the hot dogs. I miss sitting by the lakes and simply taking in the view.
I guess I have planted my roots there somehow. It is ironic that I do not have such feelings for Singapore after having spent so many years here. Is it because I discovered myself in Copenhagen? Is it because Copenhagen presents the elements which I have always been looking forward to?
I fear coming back. I dread coming back. Yet, I am also excited to be back to embark on a new career. Such a melange of feelings and emotions have turned me topsy-turvy. I have no idea what is really going on inside me. What is the cause of all these? Excitement? Stress? Anxiety?
I do not know.
I woke up in the morning and we got ready for breakfast at the hotel. For the last few days, we have been staying at the Admiral Hotel in Copenhagen: a beautiful, rustic and well-located hotel. CHeck out the picture.....http://www.admiralhotel.dk/article.aspx?id=130097
We had a nice breakfast at the restaurant and came back to pack our bags. Soon, we were on the taxi on the way to the airport. In less than 30 minutes, we were checked in and were on our way to the duty-free outlets. In a flash, we were comfortably seated on the plane and ready for take-off.
It was an emotional time for me. Tears rolled down my face as the plane took off. I miss Copenhagen. I miss the friends that I have made in school. I miss seeing the children clad in bulky winter jackets walking along the lakes and streets. I miss seeing the parents pushing their strollers in the parks. I miss the cold weather. I miss the air that I have breathed. I miss the hot dogs. I miss sitting by the lakes and simply taking in the view.
I guess I have planted my roots there somehow. It is ironic that I do not have such feelings for Singapore after having spent so many years here. Is it because I discovered myself in Copenhagen? Is it because Copenhagen presents the elements which I have always been looking forward to?
I fear coming back. I dread coming back. Yet, I am also excited to be back to embark on a new career. Such a melange of feelings and emotions have turned me topsy-turvy. I have no idea what is really going on inside me. What is the cause of all these? Excitement? Stress? Anxiety?
I do not know.
Wednesday
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
In less than 24 hours, I will be on the plane back to Singapore.
Here I am back in my hotel room. This morning, I had my oral exam for Danish. It was quick. Just 15 minutes and it was over. Somehow, I felt that I did not perform as well academically as I would have loved to. Yet, I knew that I was able to speak Danish in a casual manner just like in everyday life. My vocabulary is definitely limited. So are the phrases of expressions. Hence, it was really a challenge to try to describe the social system in Singapore.
Yet, Jorun was encouraging. She smiled at times and asked questions which allowed me to express myself more. I did have eye contact with her, although not very often.
At the end of the session, I guess my nerves got the better of me. I simply did not hear her (or chose not to hear her) when she sent me her best wishes and shook my hand. I feel bad because it is just not be to be so inattentive or careless. Yet, the world still moved on and turned despite what has happened.
As I made my way to the library to return the books, I thought to myself. I am aware of my language abilities. Spoken language may not be my strongest skill. But written is. I love to write. Writing allows me to think things through and express myself. I believe that this ability of mine has been recognized by Jorun through my homework and other written work which I have submitted to her. I can speak Danish, as I have spoken so much in class. And she has heard me speak Danish. With all this, I am sure that she has mentally prepared to pass me. And I have given her the reasons to. I was able to express myself although perhaps not extremely fluently.
Jorun has made an impression on me. She is not the kind of teacher I expected her to be. Not the ideal kind.
I wonder if I had made an impression on her. She mentioned that I am the first student that she has from Singapore. And in the first lesson, I was so excited that I was smiling all the time. She must have thought that I was out of my mind or something.
While the entire experience of learning Danish has been bitter-sweet, I still love it. Perhaps it is just me. Just the me who has found the passion and meaning of life.
In less than 24 hours, I will be on the plane back to Singapore.
Here I am back in my hotel room. This morning, I had my oral exam for Danish. It was quick. Just 15 minutes and it was over. Somehow, I felt that I did not perform as well academically as I would have loved to. Yet, I knew that I was able to speak Danish in a casual manner just like in everyday life. My vocabulary is definitely limited. So are the phrases of expressions. Hence, it was really a challenge to try to describe the social system in Singapore.
Yet, Jorun was encouraging. She smiled at times and asked questions which allowed me to express myself more. I did have eye contact with her, although not very often.
At the end of the session, I guess my nerves got the better of me. I simply did not hear her (or chose not to hear her) when she sent me her best wishes and shook my hand. I feel bad because it is just not be to be so inattentive or careless. Yet, the world still moved on and turned despite what has happened.
As I made my way to the library to return the books, I thought to myself. I am aware of my language abilities. Spoken language may not be my strongest skill. But written is. I love to write. Writing allows me to think things through and express myself. I believe that this ability of mine has been recognized by Jorun through my homework and other written work which I have submitted to her. I can speak Danish, as I have spoken so much in class. And she has heard me speak Danish. With all this, I am sure that she has mentally prepared to pass me. And I have given her the reasons to. I was able to express myself although perhaps not extremely fluently.
Jorun has made an impression on me. She is not the kind of teacher I expected her to be. Not the ideal kind.
I wonder if I had made an impression on her. She mentioned that I am the first student that she has from Singapore. And in the first lesson, I was so excited that I was smiling all the time. She must have thought that I was out of my mind or something.
While the entire experience of learning Danish has been bitter-sweet, I still love it. Perhaps it is just me. Just the me who has found the passion and meaning of life.
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