Sehnsuch nach Deutschland

Die Zeit ist vorbei. Die Zeit vergeht wie im Flug. Ich habe den Kurs in Bonn fertig geschafft. Jetzt muss ich mich vorbereiten, das neue Jahr anzufangen. Ich habe noch Probleme und Schwierigkeiten in der Nacht zu schlafen. Ich denke an die Zeit in Deutschland. Ich weiß nicht, ich weß nur die Sehnsucht nach Deutschland.

Letzte Schultag

Es war sehr schon. Die Kinder haben heute ein Gottesdienst in eine Kirche. Mit dem Gottesdienst schließen sie die Semester ab und fangen mit dem Weihnachtsferien. Heute hat Aliena (Klasse 3a) auch Geburstag. Die Klassekamarade haben sie eine Geburstaglied gesungen und haben sie viel gewünscht.

Es ist sehr suß, dass die Lehrerinnen und Schuler in die Schule sehr gastfreundlich sind. Ich hatte eine tolle und wünderbare Zeit da. Die Kinder lernen sehr entspannt und mit viel Spaß. Die Lehrerinnen haben zu viel Leidenschaft. Wir können das Leidenschaft durch ihrer Aktionen und Sprache sehen.

Ich hoffe, dass ich mit den Lehrerinnen noch Kontakt haben. Ich möchte diese Freundschaft fortsetzen.

Ich möchte mehr schreiben, aber jetzt muss ich losgehen.

Bis nächstes Mal!

Tschüss!

Hier in Bonn

Ich bin schon mehr als 2 Wochen in Bonn. Ich bin überzeugt, dass es ist nicht so schon wie in Dresden. Desden gefällt mir besser. Aber, ich muss sagen, dass alles kommt von Gott. Und diese Erfahrung, die ich jetzt erlebe, ist in verschiedene Aspekte gut und schön. Überall mag ich sehr gern das Wetter. Es ist kalt. Die Luft ist frisch. Vielleicht ist die Kameraderie den Klassenkamarade nicht so eng wie letztes Mal. Es gibt Kein Libor, Beatrice und so weiter. Die Leute in meiner Klasse sind am meistens Studenten. Als junge Leute haben sie nicht so viel erlebt und versteht. Mit diesem Unterschied ist es natürlich das wir wahrscheinlich nicht so viel darüber sprechen könnten.

Aber, jeden Tag und jede Nacht stehe ich auf dem Balkon und denke. Gott sei Dank, dass ich die Chance hat, noch einmal hier in Deutschland zu kommen. Ich habe für die Gelegenheit gebetet. Ich sage immer zum Gott, dass ich nach Deutshland wieder kommen möchte. Ich bete immer dass ich etwas lernen können. Damit könnte ich in der Zukunft für die Kinder, die ich lehre, etwas gut zu tun. Gott hat mir geantwortet. Ich hoffe, dass alles passt mit den Planen des Gottes.

Tears of Joy....or for some.....sadness

The PSLE results were released today. As usual, it was customary for the P to address the crowd with the analysis of the year's results. Overall, we have done well. As the pupils were getting their results, we can see them streaming away from the teacher's table. Some had smiles on their faces and some had tears streaming down their faces. Whatever it is, the pupils have crossed the first hurdle in the Singapore context. As the pupils were walking away from the table, I felt that somehow, they were also walking away from us teachers. We know that they will go on to pursue their goals and interests. At the same time, I will also miss them. I may not be their form teacher. I may not have had many opportunities to interact with them other then music lessons. But I sure do miss them. A few of the naughty and active ones.

Oh Lord, please bless these children and grant them the wisdom to make wise decisions as they move on to other challenging aspects of their lives. Please guide them and show them the way to happiness, joy and belief in you.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

Mixed emotions......

The concert was finally over. Everything disappeared so fast. THe children went hoome with their parents. Teachers who have family commitments left soon after. I stayed back for some food and walked around school. Most corners and places in the school were dark as the cleaners and caretakers have switched off the lights and cleaned up the mess.

THe focus and appreciation of hard work was given to Shawn, the main coordinator. I slipped away quietly.

Emotions were mixed. I could feel that some of the Primary 6s were beginning to miss the school. I could see it from their faces. The sadness, the tears..... I cried too, for I knew that I would miss some of them. I know that they cannot bear to leave the school which has been their home or second home for the first six years of their education.

I wonder. If they would ever remember me, a teacher who has just joined and who is still trying to find ways to shape their thoughts and behaviour.

Very soon, things would go back to normal. As if the concert and tears did not take place at all. This is the harsh reality of life. We lose things that we cherish very quickly. Am I strong enough to manage this? I have no idea. After sleeping for one whole day to recuperate from the past one month of tiring rehearsals, things are simply beginning to settle down.

Again, I try to comfort and console myself that I am there to create memories for them. I should learn to manage my emotions.....

Emotions running high.....

Today is the last day of school and we are having our Annual Prize Presentation Ceremony. ANd of course, along with a ceremony, there will be a school musical production put up. I have shadowed Shawn since the rehearsals started. The rehearsals have been tiring and stressful having to get everyone to be observant and also play their part to the best that they could.

Finally, after such a gruelling time, they have managed to put the pieces together. Emotions ran high today as Harvey tried to contain his emotions and read his lines. I guess he has a much higher level of committment towards the school and his CCA groups. He takes the initiative to organize and get things done. He wants his friends and team-mates to be the best that they could be.

One by one, the pupils started to tear as the harsh reality sets in. Last day of school, last group performance, last day on the stage of the school. Shawn could not help himself too. His last musical production. Shawn has watched some of the students grow up. Now that he is leaving, the love and care that he has for the little ones simply overflow and perhaps overwhelm him.

Perhaps this is what i am here for, to help create memories for the little ones. So that years later, as they look back, they can say that they have lived their lives fully.

Thank you Lord, for everything that you have given us. Teach us to be thankful. Teach us how to love and cherish one another.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Feeling upset.....

Today, I was very fierce to the Pri 1s. I wonder if I had gone overboard. I hope that I have not offended Mrs Peters. I was just trying to get the kids organised. I hope that she will not take it to heart. Perhaps I should have lowered my expectations. They are only p1s. They do not really know what to do when their teacher is not around. Oh God. PLease forgive me. I am really sorry.

Joy.....God's Blessings

I was so happy and filled with tears on joy on Tuesday night. After so much delay, I finally got down to calculate the marks for my Foundation Science class. This is the first time they are being tested for Science. Science has always been a non-examinable subject for them . I only taught them for one semester. So in a way, my expectations of their performance were not that high.

I was so excited and thankful....about one-third of them passed the paper and one of them even scored more than seventy marks. I cannot wait to release the results to them but I am now sick at home. I am sure they must also be very upset that I was not able to see them in school today. Or, perhaps that is part of my wishful thinking.....

I see many of them trying very hard. They have a clearer picture and a high level of self-awareness of reality and the challenges in life. Although they do not have a bed of roses to lie on, they have a strong and positive outlook. No matter how hard life is now, they face it with a smile and that sense of hope.

I am inspired by them. Honestly. They are very brave children. They may not have a headstart now. But I know that they will go on to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives in the days to come.

Dear Lord,

thank you for everything so far. Work has been hard and tiring. My health is also being challengd. But I know that all that I am doing now allows the children to move ahead and explore the many mysteries and marvels in life. I pray for strength, perseverance, wisdom and guidance from you Lord, so that I may do your work and give you glory and praise. Please continue to guide me and walk with me, for you are my saviour and light.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Tulips, clogs and windmills

I caught a travel documentary on tv last night. THey were introducing th eland of the Tulips - Holland. Holland is truly a very beautiful country with all the different coloured tulips and the different breeds. I cried because the tulips were just simply so graceful and beautiful. One marvellous work of the Lord. Amen.

A surprise.....

Hmmmm.....tomorrow marks another new year ahead for me. From tomorrow onwards, I am simply one year short of becoming 30. SO many years have passed, and I cannot help but wonder what have I done with my life.

Anyway, things are kinda mysterious now. He did not tell me where we will be going for dinner. He did not even say which kind of food well will be having. All he said was that we would be having a sumptuous and nice dinner at a very slow pace so that we can enjoy the time together. Hmmmmm.......

Random Thoughts

So much has happened lately. I have been so busy at work and home.

Work
--> Term 3 is just over. It was really a challenge trying to prepare the kids because of the standards that they are at. With their family backgrounds, home support tend to be lacking. Most of them are not motivated, although we often see sparks of interest and curiosity now and then. I enjoy my work although some people would classify us more of administrative clerks. I see that everything I do contributes in one way or another to the smooth experience of these children in school.

--> What really touched me was the innocence of the children. On Teachers' day, the naughtiest kids are the ones who give you the biggest and most presents. ( It is sad because you know that you are the one who is giving them more attention.) I have a boy who baked cup cakes for me. Although I ended up with a little bit of stomach upset, I still appreciate the thought which came from the heart. I simply hope that they will do something good with their lives as they grow up. I simply pray that they will soon find meaning and learn to be independent. I pray that they will be happy.

Home
--> At home, we are trying to get used to some changes in our lifestyle. Now that we have gotten ourselves a car, our sleeping hours are adjusted so as to fit the different working hours of our very different occupations. This is challenging. But at the same time, we have the convenience of going to places quite easily, albeit the occassional traffic jams and human congestion.

Dear Lord,

Please help me as I learn to juggle the different committments and obligations which I have. Teach me to do the right things and to be able to discern right from wrong as I seek peace and justice. Please forgive me for the times I have not opened my ears, eyes and heart to your words. Please continue to show me the way.

Thank you Lord, for hearing my prayer.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Happy Teacher's Day!!!

Teacher's Day is tomorrow, but most schools would celebrate it today. Most people would think that it is a day of fun and minimal studying and lots of presents. Yes it is. But it is also a day of appreciation and reflection. As the saying goes, 'What goes around comes around.' THe efforts that we have put in for the children may or may not have paid off due to many different aspects. But one thing which we can be sure of on this day, the children know that you have tried to help them do what is right. And they do whatever their innocent hearts and minds tell them to. Preparing little presents and cards, no matter how simple they are.

For me, this is my very first Teacher's Day. There will of course be a few naughty ones in my class which warrant my constant shelling. But they are also the ones who show their appreciation for the attention that you have given them. I relaxed with them today. No lessons. Just simple art and craft where they get to write little cards and colour them and then give them to the teachers they feel for. I tickled Delroy too, the one and only blur boy who likes to stand up and say "Yes, Sir", "Thank you, Sir" etc.... Sometimes I do scream at him very badly too. But today, everything just seems to have dissolved into thin air.

I guess this is what keeps me going. THe innocence of the children, the love that they shower on me for all the hard work that I have put in for them. I was feeling tired and sick this morning. WIth the flu bug etc.....but everything seems to have disappeared.

Dear Lord,

If this is the task that you have allocated me in the path of discipleship, thank you so much. Lord, please have mercy on us sinners and bless us with the strength, perseverance and guidance to work towards a life full of meaning and faith.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A breather

Finally, I have some time to sit down and simply take a rest. So much has happened. And in the midst of typing this, I had to go around looking high and low for Ryan. Thank God that he is alright, just doing his corrections in the Chinese teacher's afternoon class. I asked him how he felt about going to Canada. He recited the speech that his mother taught him. He mentioned about learning new things and making new friends. And when I asked him if he will miss Zhenghua, he said "maybe", with his voice breaking away. Although Ryan is a boy who often drifts off in class, he is still very adorable in his own ways. He asks questions which are out of the picture, he has a very innocent look. One can see that he is a good boy by nature. He may not be the model students like the elites. But he makes my tears flow, simply looking into his eyes.

Dear Lord,

am I being too emotional? Am I going to cry every year as my students move on? A simple event such as this and my tears flow as freely as the river. Please guide me and speak to me, dear Lord. Teach me to do my job well so that the students will be able to achieve and develop their potential, so that they will be able to lead meaningful lives. At the same time, teach me to manage my emotions too, knowing the softer side of me.

Thank you Lord, for hearing my prayer.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Home resting

Here i am....scanning away and typing away. As expected, I am not feeling well. The recent nose and throat irritation is causing my body to react. I feel sorry for my pupils. I know that they will joining different classes and feeling lost. They are most likely not to benefit from what the other classes are doing. Yet, at the same time, I know that I need the rest. Work has caused me to feel very tired.

Dear Lord,

please look after my pupil and bless them. Please guide them as they grow up. I really wish that they lives will improve and that they will be happy in their process of learning. Please bless me with the strength, the perseverance and encouragement to move on as I try my very best to help them learn. Please show me the light, dear Lord.

Lord, have mercy on us sinners.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen

Joy in the photos....

Finally, we collected our graduation portriats today. We have been waiting for quite some time already. It is also something which I have always wanted. Something special just with the two of us.

The whole process was rather interesting. We had to get our body parts into different positions with the right angles. we had to also smile at the right time and not blink our eyes. It was quite fast though as we tried our best to cooperate with the photographer.

The more I look at the photos, the happier I feel....for some mysterious reasons.....

Joy in my heart

Term has started for quite some time and I have gotten to know my students. As usual, they do get on my nerves at times. But when they respond to me, when I see them learning, when I look into their eyes....the joy of innocence and the grace of God simply fills my heart. WHile we are all not made the same, we are all children of God. God gave us different gifts. God puts us through different trials and challenges. Still, the almighty love of God will see us through this journey.

Everyday, I pray for my students. I pray that with God's grace, I will be able to get through to them and help them. Work is hard and hours are long. I have little time for myself and my beloved one. Yet, I still strive to do whatever I can. There is a purpose for being in this position. God will reveal the way and His word to me.

As I consume my lunch in front of the computer hurriedly, I feel the joy of life filling my heart and soul. I know, this is what I want to do and this is what I was meant to do.

Amen.

Investiture

Finally, the ceremony to mark the start of a profession which i hold dearly to my heart. This investiture ceremony somehow has a deeper sense of meaning for me. It did not mark the end of anything per se, rather, it marked the beginning of a career which allows me to be in touch with my emotions and my inner soul. This ceremony has a deeper sense of achievement and meaning. Finally, I can call myself a teacher.

Matt was with me. It was so sweet to share those moments with him. He supported me throughout the entire journey. We shared joy and laughter. The only person I wanted to see and to share that moment of glory was only Matt. He completed the whole picture so wonderfully. The tears I shed that day were that of joy and gratefulness that the Lord has sent an angel to walk the path with me, supporting me all the way. Thank you Lord for the angel sent. Thank you for everything.....

Hmmmm.....the pic here does not look very good...but guess we can make do with it first till the real pics come along!

The kids....

Is it because I find similiarities between my childhood and theirs? Am I searching for something which I have missed? Do I see myself in them? Is it because they give me the feeling that they need help?

I have no idea. All I know is that I am not angry. INstead, I am happy to be in school, to be there for them, to guide them. I know that they need a lot more from me: more time, more energy. I am giving whatever i can and I know that I need to set a limit for myself.

Somehow, despite all the imperfections, I feel peaceful and full of love. There is no anger. There is only the eagerness and enthusiasm to help them be what they are, to help them reveal their inner potential.

Dear Lord,

thank you for guiding me the past days. Thank you for working with me and through me to help these children. I pray for your guidance in filling my soul with peace and love, I pray for your guidance in filling my mind with interesting and effective ideas to teach and reach out to the children. I pray that you bless my lips so that I may use the right words to communicate with these children. Please continue to guide me, dear Lord. Please fill me with the energy, the perseverance, the courage and whatever I need to make a difference in the lives of these children. I see hope in them. I see humility. I see a spark which is simply waiting to fly high into the sky with the utmost brightness.

Thank you dear Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Tired but.....

I am tired but happy, joyful, grateful.....and so many others.......

Today, I went to the SYF opening with the students. It brought back many memories of the past. The numerous strenuous training sessions, the feeling of satisfaction and pride when performing on stage, the joy of singing...sharing of triump with team-mates....They were all coming back. My adrenaline was pumping and I just could not help but smile and smile and then cry. Tears of joy....

I tried not to be too fierce or strict with the kids since this is an outing. And I realised that I am really the serious and strict kind of person. It just comes naturally. I raise my voice and give commands. When I dun smile, the kids know and are able to read my body language. (But this is only the first week....maybe I should not take it too easy....haha.....)


But times have changed. There were cheerleading competitions, rock band performances, breakdance, millitary band with a tinge of Mexican drums, Myanese dance infused with hip hop and ballet, chinese drums, malay dance, and so on.....The vibrancy of how the different forms of performing arts are being appreciated and approached is changing.

Above all, I am simply so proud of the kids. It took courage, hard work and so much more of them, especially when they are not so priviledged. My heart goes out to them.

Yesterday, I saw my P5Foundation class. 7 ADHD cases and 1 mildly retarded. I wonder what life has in store for them. Many kids with broken families and other sad stories like abandonment. Well, one can say that life has been cruel to them. From the other point of view, life is teaching them a lot and they are learning so much on how to deal with challenges. I saw them celebrate success during the workshop. I rejoiced and almost cried. I just hope that I will be able to spark their interest in science. I hope that they will find meaning in school and work their way out of the situation that they are in now.

Alright...my eyes are really tired now....gotta go zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

Amadeus

Out of boredom and curiosity perhaps, I checked out the website of Amadeus. I remember the times I spent singing. Singing was really emotional for me. I loved the singing. I could at the very least bring out my own emotions when I sang.

Today, I look back at the changes to the choir. There are still quite a number of people from the senior batches. WHenver I look at them, I am always in awe. In awe of their passion for singing. In awe of their aggressiveness. WHenever I sang with them, singing always ends up very stressful for me. Perhaps their overwhelming passion for music and singing has scared me away. I started off with a relatively audible voice to a voice which is small and perhaps almost invisible. Somehow, they made me feel inferior. Or, I allowed them to make me feel inferior. I was not the perfectionist kind of person in the past. This may be the reason why I gradually left the choir. Music, choir music in this case, is pursued with passion and the ultimate aim of perfection. All notes have to be sung to the perfect pitch, sung to the correct pronunciation and the appropriate expression.

Nevertheless, I never regretted my decision to join the choir. THis decision gave me memories, friends, and the opportunities to open my eyes to a world wider than just Singapore. Come to think of it, without Amadeus and the chance to sing overseas, I probably would not have dared to venture overseas. I may just be living life blindly, had it not been for Amadeus.

I wish I were in Copenhagen now

On such a lazy afternoon, all I wanna do is to sit by the lake, wrapped in probably a jacket, and having a cuppa in my hands. I miss sitting by the lake and simply admiring the ducks and swans swimming. I remember I loved to scene where the swans will come sweeping down onto the surface of the water in the lake. The scene is so pretty. The ripples created in the water is simply marvellous. And by the lake, I can see people jogging by, parents with their kids in the strollers taking a stroll and simply enjoying the gifts of Mother Nature. If you had some leftover bread, you could have a good time tearing the bread into pieces and feeding them to the ducks and swans. THe feeling of peace and tranquility is something which I look forward to.

I wanna go back to Copenhagen again. I wanna explore other parts of Europe. All this, I wanna do before I die.

The Beginning of a new Chapter

It is just a few more days before the term starts. I am feeling the jitters now at the thought of a new environment with new challenges. At the same time, I am glad that the 3-year contract is about to begin. THe faster I get it over and done with , the faster I can start my life in a new country where the values, lifestyle and environment serve to energize me rather than zap the zest out of me.

I pray and hope that I will develop and be a good teacher through all the different activities and challenges.

Dear Lord,

Please help me. Please guide me as I embark on my teaching career. Teach me to recognize the signs and improve on my teaching. Help me be a reflective teacher who constantly is able to modify the teaching strategies to benefit and open the eyes of the students to new things. PLease help me be the one who can make a difference in their life and show them that the world is out there for them to explore and seek adventures!

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Philosophy of Identity

We are all labelled by the people around us. Be it the names which have been pasted on us or the physical features, we are always labelled. WIth this labelling comes societal pressures. People who see themselves as belonging to a specific community strive to impose certain expectations on others whom they label as part of the community.

For a person who is born into a Chinese family in a competitive society, the labels of a Chinese female who is asian is expected to behave in a certain way.

I do not agree with this idea. We are all born free into this world. It does not matter if we have been born white or black or yellow. We are individuals with the freedom to choose. Freedom to choose the kind of values which are in alignment to our personal comfort zones. Freedom to choose the attitudes which we believe in. Not any other values and attitudes imposed upon us by others. I have the freedom to choose. My identity is not shaped by labels. My destiny is not shaped by labels.

I choose to align myself and my personal identity with the group of people I can trust and agree with. This group of people need not necessarily be of the same skin colour or background.

Humans are linked to one another through genetics. In a way, there is how we procreate. This is how any living species multiply. Even so, this genetic link does not shape one's destiny. It does not shape one's identity. Only when someone places this on the pedestal and look upon it as a form of affirmation will it become part of that person's identity.

I believe in the freedom to choose the values and attitudes that I am most comfortable with. I am merely a statistic engulfed in this society which tries very hard to impose their way of live onto me. But no matter how hard they try, they will not succeed. Reason being, I do not identify myself with the values and beliefs of this society. I belong to a totally different realm of existence.

I realise that I am not angry with them. I am just irritated because they are forcing their beliefs on me. They are trying to penetrate the shield around me and infect me with the virus so that I will conform and behave according to what they dictate.

I am an individual with my own ideas and mindset. I have the freedom to choose and not confirm. I have the right to my personal space and way of thinking. I am not hostile to anyone as long as they do not provoke me or try to impose their way of live on me. I respect their choices, so why can't they respect mine?

I am not a puppet or a slave. I am me. Someone who is not shaped by her name, race, nationality or skin colour. Just me.

A new day....starting after noon

Had a long sleep last night, most probably due to the medication. But this virus strain seems to be too strong for me to sleep over. I am still feeling weak and tired. No energy to speak. My lungs seem to be crying out for help with each breath of air that i breathe in.

These few days of peace and partial solitude makes me feel slightly better. I sometimes wonder if I were a hermit. I love the peace and quiet. No crowd, no strangers, no noise. Simply the silence and the lack of human presence helps me maintain my sanity.

Here I am listening to MDR and thinking about work. It is not a bad thing because I am at my creative peak under such conditions.

Anger and Irritation

The past few days have been filled with body ache and other physical discomfort. And this is on top of the anger that I have been experiencing. I have to get it out somehow.

WHo do they think they are? Walk into my life and command me to act the way that they expect? Fucking Intruders!!!!

You all have never been in my life. So what gives you the right to just come in and tell me what to do and how to behave? YOu have no right to take away my freedom and happiness. There is nothing between us except for the biological connection. That is all. Nothing else!!!

What you all say is simply a pack of lies which are not justified at all.

There has been no relationship built. It is only when you are so close to death that you start to worry that there will be no one to see to your funeral needs. YOu are all so fucking selfish....

I am not your slave!!!!!I am not one of the statistics which show how successful you are at reproduction.

Just leave me alone and let me get on with my life!!!! I have a loving husband and a safe home now. Get away from me, you Satan! Do not try to take anything away from me.

Dear Lord

You teach me to love unconditionally, but I have difficulty doing that. I do not hate them but I do not love them either. I simply do not want to have anything to do with them. Please guide me , Lord. Please teach me how to deal with my emotions and chain of thoughts. I feel offended when they simply waltz in and command me to act according to the way they want. I do not want to conform without any logical reasoning or justification. I see no meaning in it.

THey have not been part of my life. Now, they expect to just walk in and make me one of their pawns and manipulate me to derive that bit of pleasure. There is no meaning, no sense in this. I hate to conform when I do not make any sense out of the situation.

i am made of flesh and blood and I do have my own mind too. They simply do not see this. I am upset at this fact that they do not respect my freedom of choice. I choose not to be associated with them. I choose to live the life that I now lead. I choose the set of beliefs and values which I feel comfortable with. But they are always trying to impose their will on me. I am not their slave.

Please Lord, Please teach me how to deal with this. Please make them go away. I want to live my life with Matt and create our own world where there is no pain, no hatred, no fear, only love, peace and security.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Going a little bonkers

I wonder if my current state of mind and body is playing tricks on me. Suddenly, I feel so afraid of having children after watching that documentary. I wonder if I will be able to cope with the demands of being a parent in the future. Perhaps I may turn out to be a bad parent who is fierce and abusive, or I may simply do something to run away from the issue.

Perhaps my body ache and the flu virus is just affecting my sanity. Think i should go take a rest now....hahaha......

Busselton Jetty

The jetty where we wanted to take some shots for the wedding. Due to weather conditions, we abandoned the plans...But it was nice walking on this jetty (1841 metres one-way) in the stormy weather with the rain hitting down on us.

Gumboots!

Oh...I really miss Gumboots.....He was so sweet and gentle. I love to cuddle him once again.....Oh Gumboots..........

Memories

Hmmmmmm.....since my brain is not working so efficiently now, perhaps, I should do something else such as uploading some photos????

I wonder if my students will still remember me....or are they very overwhelmed with stressed and work now even when exams are over.......

I really miss some of them.....

Wen Xuan - THe very hardworking and quiet girl who gives you all her attention and does her work perfectly. THe one who always puts up her hand to answer your questions. The one who supports me quietly through her honest and innocent looks.

Andrew - The very quiet boy who works hard and tries to be the best he can be.

Xavier - the notti but clever and intelligent boy in class who knows when you are in a good mood and when you are about to explode.

Kai Ren - the one who always ventures out of boundaries. As much as I would love to have him in my class, I had to take care of others who belonged to the mainstream group.

Yu Hui - The one who loves my attention and always pretends not to know her work so that I can give her personal attention. I love her smile...so innocent and sweet.

Joshua - the boy with learning disability but who loves to tell u everything about his daily activities in a very slow manner....carefully choosing his words and slowly putting them into short sentences.

HOr Yah - The very quiet girl...sometimes mischievious...but gentle and harmless.....

Mei Yue - The active and confident girl who always wants to help the teacher carry things.

Chee Yong - The intelligent and out-spoken boy who has lots of empathy for others.

Ishwin - the irritating talking boy who thinks he knows everything under the sky...but look at the kind of work he gives and u noe how 'deep' he is.....

Samuel - the hyper-active boy with a sudden change in behaviour. I hope he is doing better now.

Juin Wei - the one whom I innocently and naively gave attention to which led to even worse behaviour. Judging from his family background, I cannot blame him...all he needs is love and attention...but i did not manage to get to know him and talk to him....

Ferrina - Another one of my star students...she is so much more matured than her brother in my p4 class. Sweet, helpful girl with lots of leadership potential.

Coey- The one who bravely took part in the Idol competition. She sings well....I love her on stage....

Oh Lord!

Please bless these children and keep them safe and happy. I pray that they will learn and do their best and grow up to be wonderful people. As much as i know that they will forget me in time to come, I still harbour this little glimmmer of hope that when they see me someday, they will remember me, at least my name......

Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer.

Amen.

Filled with joy and anticipation

The recent events that took place the past few days have left me feeling grateful, joyful and excited. Finally, I have the time to take a break and do things which I have not been able to catch up with. At the same time, I also had the chance to explore new areas such as looking at the products and services provided by bridal studios and exploring photography options overseas. I felt so cared for and so loved. Perhaps the comparision cannot be made to my early days. THe only thing that I know now is that I live for God and for him. Nothing else matters as much as the Lord and Matt. They showed me love in ways which I never thought possible.

I am still in a dillemma. THe Lord says that we should love one another. Yet, there are people whom I cannot even face or want to communicate with. HOw then can I love them? I am still searching for the answer.

For some people, the answer is easy because they have experienced the love from people they expected to receive the love. For me, things kinda went a little haywire. I never felt the love from my parents. One can say that it was because they did not know how to show it. Whatever the cause, the time is lost and cannot be replaced. But with Matt and Lord, I know that the journey has started and I do cherish the journey because every moment of it is filled with truth, honesty, love and more love....

The Lord has called me back to his side even after I have strayed for so long. Matt's love for me is forgiving and all-encompassing that makes me feel so protected.

With all the happenings around me and the thoughts going through my head, I seem to be slipping into a vacuum of peace and tranquility, where all stimulants have been eliminated and one is at peace with oneself.........

The moment my eyes were set on the gowns

It was an amazing experience. Am not sure if that is the word to describe my feels and emotions at that time.

We had been shopping around for bridal studios the past few weeks, taking things slowly. And so it happened. We walked into French Bridal. The process began with the introduction of the products and services provided. Somewhere along the way, Paulson, the designer whipped out an album for me to browse. I began smiling and grinning all the way right to the moment I left the shop and made my way home. I simply love the gowns. THey were simple, elegant and 'princess-like'. It then struck me that Paulson's designs are the manifestation of my vague ideas and thoughts. I never could pinpoint how I want my wedding gown to be like. All I know is that I want something elegant, simple and princessly. I almost cried when I saw the gowns. Never mind the fact that those gowns in the album were designed for fashion shows and could only be altered to fit someone with a waist size of 29. I know that Pauslon is the one who could help me with the gown design. It may not be as perfect as those that I have seen. But I know that he knows what I want. Any design which is similar to those in the album would have already made my dream come through!

All along, I never thought that the process of getting married could be so emotional. Perhaps I am already a very emotional person to start with.

We did some research on the web and found some negative as well as some positive remarks about that shop. Still, I know that my heart and mind is already set on them as my service provider. Somehow, there was this magical element which has hooked me up. There is always a risk when purchasing goods and services. I just hope that God will help to guide us along so that our process is a happy and memorable one. For once in my lifetime, I can finally be a 'princess'. For once, I can have my dream come through.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Dear Lord

I want to give thanks for all that you have given and provided me. THank you also for the downs in my life for they have taught me new lessons and made me stronger. I would like to pray for your guidance and blessings as Matt and I go through the process of getting ready for our actual day.

I also pray that Matt would respond and hear your calling soon and seek your presence in our lives. Please guide us and bless us so that we can live your words and do your work.

Thank you, Lord for hearing my prayer.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Feeling sick and tired

It is supposed to be a peaceful and well-deserved break for me after so many weeks of hard work. Yet here I am feeling so miserable. The viral infection has caused me to keep throwing up and has left me without a slightest bit of energy. Oh my God! I am feeling so tired and terrible! Ahhhhhh.......

Words which I should not have said

Dear Lord

Please forgive me for the words which I shuld not have said. I am very sorry that I have allowed my anger and dissatisfaction with my current situation to overrule my rationality. Even if I am not happy with my experience at my current school, I should not make sweeping statements because there will always be a few good people around. I am very very sorry.

I seek your almighty forgiveness that my wrongdoings may be pardoned.

Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

The little ones.....

Dear Lord

Thank you for allowing me to have the opportunities to get to know 47 and 34. They have been really mischievious but at the end of the day, they are just little ones after all. Sometimes, I just cannot help it but cry because they are sooooooo sweet. I know that there will be more to come as I carry on teaching.

Please bless me, dear Lord. I pray for strength, perseverance, clarity of mind and peace everyday as I go to school. I want to be the best teacher I can ever be. Teach me to be more open-minded. Teach me to set realistic expectations for myself. I know that I tend to have such high expectations that I sometimes stress myself out.

Lord, I pray that I can also stay at St Anthony's. I love the environment. I love the students there. Most important of all, I am very happy to be reminded daily that I am in the holy presence of the Lord. I pray for your blessings that I am able to find my way to you, Lord. Please help me each day to know you better.

Thank you , Lord, for hearing my prayer.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

First Day of Practicum

Today is officially my first day of practicum although both Martin and I have started observations last friday. ALthough I am facing a culture shock, I am still very eager to start teaching. I am not expecting to execute and implement the bombastic teaching ideas which our lecturers have preached. But I am really excited and eager to start sharing information and knowledge with the children. They do make me show my other side with their behaviour such as shouting across the classroom, making unnecessary comments and so much more. But, seeing them at work, and hearing them speak can melt my heart. I can never stay angry for long. Just like what Jasmine said. I may put them down sometimes, but I think I have to do it because they have to learn when to say the right things....

But I do wonder if I am being too harsh. Perhaps I should be a little nicer??

What is the difference between race and ethnicity?

On the surface, this looks like a typical question where one can simply throw in the deifinitions. Yet, to me, it is a question which leads one to question the relationship between choice and our skin colour.I have asked people if they knew if there were any difference between race and ethnicity. But it seems like no one is interested to find out or delve into that aspect. So here I am talking to myself again.

Ethnity has to do with choice. An experience close to heart is my choice to subscibe to certain beliefs and way of life which does not conform to the societal expectations of the race of Chinese. It is not a smooth journey because many people do not understand my rationale behind my actions. They often try to influence me into behaving the way that they think is right. But it just does not make sense to me. I hate being forced into something that I do not believe in.

Dear Lord

I pray for your guidance. Teach me how to empathize and teach me how to manage the external influences which often disturb my internal balance of sanity. Please, teach me to let go and not take things so seriously. Teach me not to be too hard on myself. I want to be happy, I do not want to add stress to Matt with my behaviour. But I do not know how to rationalise my thoughts. Please help me, Lord!

Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayer.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Dilemma

Hmmmmmm....it has been really an eventful time with D. She really gave me all the problems that one can think of and it does not seem to be ending anytime soon. It really hurts me when she does not respond. But her slightest bit of reaction is sufficient to give me the inspiration and energy to carry on. Sometimes, I can understand where she is coming from. No or little attention from people she loves. Or rather, I could also put it as inappropriate attention and reinforcement. In the process of growing up, there was no proper discipline for her. No structure to help her build up that concept of self-discipline and inculcate that process of reflection.

I can identify with that. It takes many years before one truly starts to question one's life on earth. I can only help her in whatever ways possible.

Am I there for a reason? I seem to see part of myself in her. Lost and trying to search for the light to lead me out of the maze. I could easily not teach her. But somehow, I feel that I need to be there for her, because no one was there for me when I needed someone. Am I to play this role, dear Lord? Was the chain of events orchestrated so that I can be there to teach her something? When is it time for me to move on? I have no idea. I need a sign, dear Lord. With the choices and options that seem to be presenting themselves to me now, I am not sure if I can take it.

Yet at the same time, I know that I want to build that relationship with the kids. To be able to see them grow and progress, I am happy, no matter how tired I am. The joy is priceless.

I pray for your guidance, dear Lord. Am I doing the task that you have assigned? Am I to serve these children for you? If I am, I gladly take it up and I pray for your guidance and wisdome to help me do the job well.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A new perspective

It was Nic and Shirley's wedding on Sat. I was honoured as they involved me in the wedding preparations as one of Shirley's "sisters" on that day. Early in the morning, I went over to Shirley's place and we got ready to "battle" it out with the groom's entourage. It was "violent" as they tried to tear down the door to get the bride. As usual, the blur me helped out in whichever ways I could.

As they went through the rituals, I felt waves of emotions in me. Emotions of happiness, bliss, joy, love and appreciation. Both of them do not belong to the high-income strata in Singapore. They are simply ordinary singaporeans leading a contented life with what they have. Such simplicity is evident in the way they organised and made their wedding day as special as they possibly could.

However, I think, what really made me cry was how supportive their family members and friends were. The atmosphere was so right during the wedding dinner because all of us played our part in creating the joy and fun. Friends helped out with all the logistics and administrative details while family members respected the couple and behaved appropriately. All of us were so happy for them. The perfect couple on the road to bliss and happiness.

I guess, the most important thing and the dearest thought I had was that I was included in spite of the "awkard" situation I am in. Shirley took me in as a sister. She gladly accepted me with open arms. I never really felt accepted by my family all these years. And here comes a sister who is concerned about me and takes me in under her wing. I felt loved. It was a miracle. Within such a short period of time, I had found myself a sister. Someone I look up to and respect. Someone I am happy to share memories with. After so many years of being the eldest, I finally have someone to look up to. I am really happy. This thought brings tears of joy immediately.

Shirley looked like a princess and Nic looked like a prince charming. It was the perfect picture. I feel so happy for them...

It was a tiring day. But, it was all worth it. The love that I felt, the acceptance etc.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the experience. I am still trying to construct my perspective of wedding dinners, and that has indeed brought new ideas which I am trying to understand. Please bless Nic and Shirley with a happy and blissful life ahead. They are very kind people and I hope that they will build a very happy family in the days to come.

Thank you once again, Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A new start

The new term has started. And I have settled down in my new home, a place where I feel comfortable and safe. On top of my responsibilities as a home owner and a trainee teacher, I have also started giving tuition to a girl and signed up for classes to explore my spiritual side. It seems like everything is off to a good start. I have taken the first steps. Now it is all up to my efforts and God's will as to how things will turn out.

I have to keep this short today, as I have to get back to my readings. All I can think of is that my time is now well-spent and I feel alive!!! Tuition may be tiring, but knowing that I can be of help to someone makes me feel good.

Okie...write more soon....

Thank you Lord!

In which ways am I special?

Influence from western media has given me the message that each of us is special. God made us different from one another for a reason. And perhaps that makes us special.

I think about myself. In which ways am I special? I still cannot find the answer. Perhaps, we should start with the definition of the word 'special'. What does it mean?

Basically, it simply means 'distinct'. Am I distinct in any way? Height? Looks? My behaviour? Or is there something deeper within me that I have not discovered or noticed? I still find myself ordinary, not distinct.

I should try to find a mirror. That way, I may see myself better.