Back to square one....the topic of wedding and marriage....
Most girls would have dreamt of how they want their wedding to be; pretty wedding dress, beautiful make-up, party or celebration in the most romantic and memorable way they want it to be, pretty pictures and so on...
I never dreamt of how I want my wedding to be. Never had this thought. The ideas came to me in the form of movies on television and in the cinemas. When I watch movies and see the actor and actress get married in whichever romantic setting, I simply say to myself,"Perhaps my wedding should be like this or like that". And slowly, the different ideas simply start accumulating. But I never ever had a favourite wedding even till now. I don't know how I want my wedding to be like. I never thought about it. Even if I think about it, I have no idea what I want, because I have no expectations at all.
Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve to even have a partner. What have I done to deserve such good things in life? A life without much hardships, a life of exploration so far. What have I done? I am not an angel, I was not a volunteer to help other people, I have not been exceptionally good or of service to anyone. So do I have any grounds to make demands? No, I do not. I have not worked for the good things that happened in my life.
On the basis that I have not been good enough to deserve such a comfortable life, I should not make further demands. I should be glad that I have a roof over my head, food to fill my stomach, air to breathe, clothes to keep me warm, gym to keep my body fit and so on. I have no grounds to demand for a house of my own or a room of my own. I should be satisfied with space to live in, sleep in and work in. I should be grateful if people are nice to me. I have not done anything to deserve friendly or nice treatment from others.
There is nothing that I can call my own other then my own body. Even the wedding, it is not my own because it is a result of decisions made by so many other people, and not me. I play the only role of being a vase, or an ornament on display. The purpose is to show other people that someone on earth has chosen a product, which looks good, to show other people that some people on earth has done a good job of providing for their offspring, to show other people that their offspring has chosen a satisfactory product to carry on the reproduction cycle.
Where am I heading in my life? Other than being sure about teaching, I am not sure about anything else, or rather, I am having second thoughts. I guess I am still ploughing through the haystack looking for that one needle to prick myself awake.
Depression and negativity has taken over me now. I can still appreciate the little nice things in life such as the snow and the little duckies on the lakes. BUt I do not know how long I can manage this. HOw I wish the NIE term can start soon so that I can immerse myself in work and not think about anything else.
What have I achieved during the last 26 years? I wonder, what I can consider as "achievements"? Am I living my life up to my potential? Am I living my life the way that makes me happy? What makes me happy? Travelling? Not working? Attending classes? Being a mentor to others? Being where when someone needs someone to talk to? Being kind to subordinates and not force them to do things that they dun wanna do? Being empathetic? (Or are these signs of weaknesses that I allow others to run my life and make decisions on my behalf?)
By allowing other to make decisions for "my"wedding, am I weak? Am I useless? Am I incapable of deciding what I want such that others have to step in to make the decisions for me automatically? Have I projected the image that I am in need of help, that I am handicapped and unable to act for myself?
THe society conditions itself that weddings are happy occassions and its members should rejoice in it. Yet, it holds no meaning for me. Marriages and family life have projected an image of unhappiness and misery to me. Not many people can understand that. People have asked me why I avoid my family, why can I not reconcile the differences with them. It is difficult to explain to them. Words simply cannot describe the fear, the pain and the emptiness of life for the past 26 years. Even if there are words to describe my feelings, I am doubtful that others can fully understand it, unless they have been through it.
WIth no foundations on the emotional part, I enter the new chapter of my life with emptiness, I wonder if I really understand what love is. My concepts of love and emotions have been picked up from television and movies. Movies and characters tell me what sadness mean, and other emotions. My heart is cold for I scarcely feel anything.
It is perhaps only now, that I start to feel, real feelings. They scare me, they warm me at the same time. I am a beginner at this. I do not know how to manage and deal with them, other than crying myself to sleep, pushing myself into an abyss of depressions and self-delusion, other than deprecating myself, I have no idea what to do.
Some people around me envy me for the life that I lead now, yet they know not that my heart is somehow not alive. My soul is lost and still in search for something I know not of.
So far, all I have learnt about myself is that little things make me feel alive. LIttle things like a smile from a child, a friend, or a stranger. An innocent stroke of my hand from a little kid, showing love and affection makes me happy. Being able to help a child work through their tasks and assignments give me the satisfaction in life. Being there for someone to listen to their worries and offer some perspectives makes me feel good.
Besides all these, I still feel empty somehow. Whether I switch the tv and radio on at the same time or not does not help to fill up the emptiness. (since I have grown up in emptiness anyway)
Ok...i am blabbering...no train of thoughts...time to go to bed....
Dear Lord, please help me......Amen!
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