Today, I made a stop at the lake just to take in some fresh air and admire the scenary while I still can. It was cold with chilly winds blowing from all directions. Once again, I rewarded myself with a ristet hotdog after gym. My stomach was growling non-stop.
I sat on a bench and watched the sun go down. Meanwhile, there was this lady who had two garbage bags full of bread with her. She was tearing the bread into small pieces and throwing them into the part of the lake where it was not frozen. The swans, the birds, and the duckies were all flying around her. There should have been probably about a few hundreds. They were happily feeding on the bread crumbs. Guess the fowls are hungrier because it is winter and less people go to the lakes during this weather.
SOme time later, a guy in red jacket came riding along and brought another garbage bag full of bread. He started to feed the fowls too. Another old lady was sitting nearby. She came and they gave her some bread and she also started feeding the birds. THe old lady had difficulty moving and so she sat on the bench comfortably, tearing the bread and throwing them onto the ground so that the birds could feed on them.
I watched them feed the birds. The guy had a smile constantly on his face as he fed the birds. He tried different tricks, such as throwing the bread crumbs in different ways to see how the birds would react. He is happy doing what he was doing. Then I told myself, as long as I am happy teaching, why should I be concerned with other things such as living with his parents when I can be happy elsewhere? Perhaps happiness from seeing my students' face light up when they learn outweighs everything else, including inconveniences and discomforts of staying with his parents?
The possible inconveniences of restricting our body language, not showing our affections openly, not being able to express our thoughts and emotions could perhaps be replaced by seeing the smiles on my students' faces?
Why should I make demands? Why can't I adapt to new environments just like the birds? WHy can't I build endurance within myself emotionally and mentally? Why am I so weak?
Then came along a little girl with her mother. I guess she should be about two or three years old. She was so fascinated by the big flock of birds that she slowed down simply to watch the adults feed the birds. The guy and lady then invited the little girl and her mother to join in and partake in the simple task. The little girl did it with joy and fun as she discovered new dimensions to her view of life on earth. Her mother was there to help her and of course make sure that she does not fall into the lake as there were no barricades to prevent people from falling into the lake.
Tears came to my eyes as I watched this scene. The guy looks happy doing what he enjoys, the little girl explores life with someone there to guide her and share the experience with her. I cried because I am happy for them, at the same time, I feel sad for myself because I never really had anyone by my side when I grew up. It was a lonely journey and only God knows how it feels. I feel sad because I know that I will never be happy anymore. I am cursed with a life of loneliness and emptiness. I have been cursed such that I cannot enjoy a truly blissful life. One can say that you choose to be happy. I chose to recognize my emptiness and sadness. I chose to think of life with his parents as something which is exposed and insecured and stressful. It is all about choices. I know I should learn to look at the bright side of life. Yet, I can find no reasons to do so.
The happier they look, the sadder I grew.
Slowly, the sun began to set and I started out on my way home. This house in Copenhagen is what I call home, my real home. It won't exist soon. Just like my happiness during the past one year is coming to an end with the trip back to Singapore.
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