Thoughts of them

I attended GESL yesterday and came into contact with a group of children age ranging from five to fourteen. They come from different family situations but mostly from incomplete, abusive or unhappy families. While they carry elements of hurt and scars in their faces and actions, I seems to see that glitter from within. They do not want to be the way they are. They want to be happy like any other children. They want to feel safe. They need attention. They have talents which have not been discovered and developed.

My heart goes out to them. I was angry with their parents. Their parents brought them into this world and immersed them in a realm of negativities instead of joy and bliss.

As a trainee teacher, I am worried and I wonder if I will be able to handle them and reach out to them. While I can be fierce, I can also be very soft-hearted. My emotions may hinder me from dealing with such children in the most rational and effective way to help them out of the rut.

Dear Lord

I pray to thee. I pray you guide me developing my knowledge and skills so that I may reach out to these children and bring them to joy and happiness. They do not deserve such suffering. All children should grow up happily. This is what I believe. There must be something I can do. Please teach me, dear Lord. Please teach me what I can do and how I can help these children.

Thank you Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A cozy feeling

Today, after all the lessons and activities in school, I went to the new place to take a look. While not many things have changed since I last visited the place, I got a somewhat more cozy feeling. The dining table and chairs are there already. More tiles went up especially in the toilet in the Master Bedroom. It was rather dark without all the electricity running. Albeit the renovation works, the workers gave us no reason to make a fuss out of anything. The place was kept clean at the end of the day. We see the progress but we also see the pride taken in making sure that things are done in a responsible manner.

I feet happy seeing that things are progressing. The apartment, although still in the making, seems to be telling me that I will soon be able to hide in a comfortable place called 'Home'. 'Home' has never been in my dictionary although I know the word and its spelling. 'Home' has never been a place I want to be in or return to at the end of the day because of all the unhappy thoughts and feelings it gives me. But it now has a different meaning to me. It is now a symbol of love, companionship, safety, security and memories. We took the efforts to decorate and make joint decisions on how this home will be like. It is something we built upon our love. Love is the foundation of our lives together and our home is one of our major milestones in life.

Perhaps this may sound mushy or meaningless to others. As our lecturers have mentioned before, a reader interacts with a text that he or she is reading and interprets the words differently according to their own set of beliefs and schema.

As I write these thoughts, I am expressing my personal joy and bliss and perhaps, only people who have gone through this phase of life would be able to somewhat understand and know how it feels when we set up a home based on love, respect, care, humility and trust.

Dear Lord,

I learnt a prayer towards. Perhaps it is a small step towards my spiritual journey, but I hope that it will lead to other small steps towards You.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A prayer for Norman

Dear Lord,

I pray that you bless Norman with the strength, courage and perseverance to work through his exams. He has been helping me for the past one week ever since I sprained my ankle. For this, I am grateful and I wish to pray for him to do well in his exams. He is a clever boy. He has the drive and he knows what he wants to do in life. I am glad that he has realised this at a young age.

I am not sure how many setbacks he has taken in life. But please Lord, please do not let the exams this time round be one. He needs it as a form of indication for the next few years. I know that he can do it. I also know that sometimes, there are uncontrollable factors. Still, I pray and hope that he can get through the exams and move on.

Thank you Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Action of care

Matt and I were at the doctor's yesterday. We were there to collect our medical report and to have a consultation with the doctor with reference to our general well-being. All is ok for Matt. But for me, it is a different story. It seems my red blood count (i think) is low and this could be linked to anemia. But doctor assured me that it is still within the acceptable range. Then there were some other test which state that my health is not very much in the pink. So I will have to take good care of myself and doc advised me to drink Cranberry juice.

Hmmmm.....I thought. Ok. It is not that bad. At least I do not have any serious illnesses or dieseases. My body may be slightly on the weaker side but there is still hope if I take good care of myself.

After we stepped out of the clinic, Matt immediately told me to take my time to make my way to the foodcourt while he makes a dash to the supermarket to get cranberry juice. WOW!!! He is indeed efficient. I did not really think much about Cranberry juice.

After we went home, he made me drink the Cranberry juice, of course not the whole bottle though.

Still, these little things are becoming very clear and obvious to me. I relish the attention and care he showers on me. He has always been so thoughtful all these years, but I was blind to it. The recent years have been a turning point in my life. I treasure him more and I think I am back on track.

This entry will serve to remind me of the many things that Matt has done for me, especially when I grow old many years later.....

Day 4

Hmmm.....looking at the photos, I wonder what to say to myself. What did I ever do to get myself into such a mess? And such a huge mess this time!

Every look at my ankles fill my soul with fear and anxiety. I almost always have to prevent myself from fainting whenever I look at my ankles. They are not only swollen, but kinda out of shape too.

It is Day 4. Things do not look as bad, but they are still quite bad now that I cannot walk.

Sherlin came by today to visit me. Sometimes, I really wonder if there are still angels around. And here comes one. Due to my frustrations and stress, I have not been talking to her or anyone the past two weeks. She need not help me cos I have not been friendly at all. Yet, she came by today and shared with me her experience at a puppetry workshop. She is still all smiles and 'flying' around, still immersed in a state of poetry recital.

Perhaps, it is people like her, who takes things easily, who are able to enjoy life better.

This accident has really put a full-stop to my life for a moment to take a breather. I hope that there would not be any of such full-stops next time. The price to pay is quite high!

Swim like a fish

Oh, how I wish I could swim like a fish! Hmmm.....the urge to take a dip in the pool and simply move my limbs according to the currents of the water is really strong and tempting. Yet, I have to confine myself to the chair or bed at least for the next few weeks and not move around.

This is not a total experience of an invalid, yet, a small little thing such as sprained ankles is enough to tell me that it is not easy to overcome hurdles both physically, mentally and emotionally.

In our ever-changing and dynamic world, we often overlook other aspects in life, mostly till something happens. (Or does this only happen to people in certain parts on Earth?)

How I wish I can be in an environment such as in Copenhagen. The pace and atmosphere is just right. I never felt the stress or the need to push myself over the edge. Maybe NZ is the same, I am not sure yet as I have not lived that long enough.

Dear Lord

I just want to get over these few years as smoothly as possible and build up my experience. Thereafter, I still want to explore the world and experience different cultures. Please help me out, dear Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Day 3 - Boredom is killing me!!

Right. I am almost bored to death despite having to read my notes, work on my assignment and perhaps having the luxury of an access to Internet. I cannot move around much. Every little movement is so tiring and difficult. Imagine the energy that I have to expand just to turn from left to right in bed.

How I wish I can go swimming and get around my daily routine tasks without much difficulty. But I guess that is the price to pay for falling. As to how the fall happened and why, I have totally no idea!!

Dear Lord,

I pray that there will be no complications this time. I pray that I can get well soon to be able to participate in my other activities and not rely on others. This is really a hard lesson to take for someone who is so stubborn and used to being independent. Now I am so dependent on others for even the little things in life. I do not want to be a liability, dear Lord.

Please help my ankles heal soon. THere are simply too many things at stake. My exams, my new apartment and so on. I want to be there to experience them.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

"Hi,are you ok?"

"Hi, are you ok? How did you hurt yourself?, she asked.

"Oh, I am sort of ok. I fell at the bus-stop.", I replied.

"Oh no. I felt...when I saw it. What is your name?", she asked empathetically.

(Smile)" Oh, Johanna. What about you? I am sorry, my hands are wet." I replied.

"Ziyi. Do take care." She said with smile.

"Yah, thanks. I will."

***********************************************************************

A short simple conversation with Ziyi, who lives in the room diagonally across mine to the left. I can see her door from my door. I guess we have never really met each other. Even if we had, my fierce and unwelcoming and unfriendly disposition probably scared her away.

I never thought I would speak to anyone here. My focus has always been on my studies. I always had doubts about people's levels of sincerity.

Perhaps I should not be so harsh?

Day 2 (My Awakening)

Day 2 of my experience.

The bruises are beginning to show. I can see the blood clots forming all around my ankle. But at least it is not so painful as compared to yesterday and my ankles somehow do not feel so stiff.

I am diligently keeping to the instructions given by the doctor. Movements are kept to the minimum and I keep my legs raised as much as possible. And of course, no cold water.

I really hope that my ankles will heal soon. It really makes me feel guilty for not appreciating the use of my limbs. Somehow, I think about the other people who have lost the use of their limbs and the courage they managed to muster to get through life. I salute these people. When unfortunate accidents strike, we either allow ourselves to be consumed by the consequences or swim through the currents and emerge stronger.

Dear Lord,

I pray that my ankles will heal soon. I want to be able to move around and assemble experiences to share with my little ones in the future. Well, I guess this could count as an experience too. But this experience is so painful and sad, and naturally, I want to feel happy and safe.

Please shower me with your blessings, dear Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Sprained Ankles - An awakening?

Today is Monday the 13th, November 2006. I had a premonition that something would happen. But I wasn't sure what. Then it all came like a flash of lightning. Early this morning, at about 2 am, i had very bad stomachache-the kind which you get only once in a blue moon. Then I woke up early this morning to get ready to conduct my very first fieldwork. Everything went smoothly until I stepped off the pavement to board the bus. Somehow, I simply lost my footing and fell. Well, it is not really the fall that got to me. It was the fact that I actually sprained both my ankles that really kinda woke me up. I limped all the way to YCK where I met the rest of the team. Amazingly, we still made it to Jalan Kayu for prata and Maran helped bandaged my ankles to keep the swelling in check.

Last minute changes had to be made and I ended up doing the introduction and closure to the fieldwork. But I knew that it was not my best. My words and thoughts were flying all over the place. Behaviour management was atrocious. The "children" were not listening to instructions. And there were many instances during which they were in between roles assigned.

Feedback given was valid, I thought. Although I felt that in the actual situation, the kids would not have been so naughty as they are in a new environment.

Throughout the day, I was still in a form of shock. I still managed to smile and make conversation with people. Yet, i knew I was not totally sane.

Dear Lord,

Were you trying to tell me something? If you were trying to teach me that I should not view people using the lens of negativity, I think I get the idea. I feel pain in the flesh, yet comfort in my soul. Why do I say that? Strangers I met along the way throughout my experience asked if I was ok and if I needed help. They kinda of empathized with me. It could be curiosity, but they broke the suspicion barrier and spoke to me.

I never thought people here would be nice. Perhaps I should start seeking out the good instead of focusing my attention on the bad...

Thank you , dear Lord.

I understand now.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Hi Dear,

If you are reading this entry, please dun worry. I know I am kinda clumsy and often get into such trouble. I will try to be strong and get through everything. I am very pampered by you. And I guess because I have been having such a nice hubby taking care of me, I am too used to comfort. This makes me more vulnerable because subconsciously, the expectations have been set.

I wished so much you were here with me, but I know I have to be strong.

So I will simply take good care of myself and wait for you to come back.

Love,

Nana

Pragmatism versus Idealism

The last few lessons of G's were rather tensed. First of all, we had the problem of arranging for a change in schedule. Secondly, the class was not interested in what G was advocating: Teaching with the children in mind.

G advocated strategies which sounded good and justified, I think. I am with her on this. Yet, as with any strategy, there are challenges of implementation and achievement of the expected results. Time is one major obstacle for teachers in this country. We are expected to do so much in only that little time given.

Practically speaking, I understand that there are constraints. Yet, sometimes, I think that we should not let the constraints or challenges stop us from doing what is right. I can understand the feelings of joy when one's work is recognized and when one's feelings are reciprocated. Children need lots of love and attention. All they want is the adult's affirmation and approval. They would do anything just to get a smile from the people they love and respect. This feeling of being accepted and affirmed goes a long way in building up the confidence and shaping the mindset of the children. I would do anything within my ability for them. Hence, I am not adversed to G's suggestion. INstead, I would think of ways to customise the ideas such that they can achieve the same results and yet fit into our environment.

Why do they not see this point? Are teachers becoming the parents and student we often speak about? The ones who are only looking at climbing the ladder without making any meaning in thier lives?

Faith in Mankind

Recently, I was at the bank with Matt to start a joint account. There, the executive was trying to sell us plans and products related to wealth accumulation. She spent more than an hour explaining to us how the different plans worked and why the plans are good for us.

I walked out the bank feeling nonchalent, except, I guess that a seed has sprouted in mind. I had a new idea, or maybe only new to me.

Has Faith in our fellow humankind dwindled to such an extent that we have to place our trust in something called 'Money'? Everyone is rushing to put their money in institutions in the hope that one day, when they need the money, they would have more than what they really have. Well, perhaps it is true to some extent that money comes in useful in times of need. But, are we carrying it too far with our obsession?

Can we still depend or trust the people around us when something happens? It seems that this trust level is decreasing at an exponential rate. Or am I the one being difficult and distrusting all these years?

I tell people that no amount of money would help if I lose Matt. If he is gone, I will be the next one to go, most probably. If I have been cursed with misfortunes, I would rather end my life and be gotten rid off in the simplest way possible so that I will not be a burden to anyone on Earth. Am I extreme? (I do not want to die so early cos I am very happy with my life now. BUt if it does happen?

I am still wondering and thinking........

Peace, Tranquility, A cuppa, My laptop and Deutsche Musik!!

Hmmmm.....I love this feeling! Sitting somewhere quiet and peaceful and enjoying a cuppa. No noise. no irritants, only my wonderful companions.

I used to enjoy this so much in Copenhagen. I remember the snow flakes, the winds howling and the ripples in the lake by the apartment. Oh how i miss them. They are such good friends and companions to my inner being. THey comfort and console me.

After I came back to Singapore, my friends are only with me in memories. THey could not come along with me. It is sad. I miss them so much. I long to be with them once again. Yet, I have to suppress my urge and live with what I have here.

This opportunity to enjoy this placidity often brings a smile to my soul and sometimes tears to my eyes. It is as if my soul has been released into a realm of freedom and happiness and there would not be sadness, anger or any other negative feelings. Perhaps this is a little piece of heaven within me, where hope and mirales exist.

Dear Lord

I pray that somehow, I will be able to find peace and calmness within me. That I would not be affected by things that happen around me. I pray that I will continue to look for the good all around. To see the wonderful things that you have done.

Thank you Lord for everything in my life.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

My audience

This idea popped out at me as I was reading one of my required articles for the English module. Who am I writing for? Who is my audience? Is it me? The Familiar Me? Or the foreign Me?

So far, I have been posting my thoughts online with a certain amount of details. Some details have been left out deliberately, while others have been included and elaborated upon. Why did I do that subconsciously?

I wanted to blog because I want to be able to write something someday. A piece which is real, moving and meaningful. A piece which strikes at the hearts of people who read it. But as I continue to write, I seem to be recording my life story, or perhaps, some events in my life which will hopefully live on after I die. And sometimes, I think I write because I need an outlet to clarify my thoughts and emotions and subsequently move on. And i hope that this feeble attempt to develop my cognitive ability is working.....

Principles

I always think that we should always behave and work based on principles and values.

That is why I am so angry and irritated over the current issue of the change in timing and date of the english tutorial. Just because of three persons, we all have to change the date of the tutorial. It is actually no big deal because it benefits all of us as we have a day off.

Yet, I am not satisfied or very happy at the way it was handled. The three persons knew well in advance that the tutorial will be affected. However, they did not say anything about it till the last minute. Extra time was spent haggling over when the tutorial should be now that they want to change it. Their actions led me to the intepretation that they made the assumption that time of others' are at their disposal. This really gets on my nerves.

Now that the issue has been resolved, I should probably start getting over it. It is no point sky-rocketing my blood pressure over this small issue. I have other things to ponder and think about.

But what can I learn from this??? I think, one very important lesson is that I should always bear in mind the consequences of my actions and how other people actually read my actions. If I knew that I would be in such a situation, I would be fair to others by providing earlier notice so that things can be settled easily and effectively, instead of causing so much trouble. So, lesson learnt is to always to think about predicting consequences and seeing different perspectives.

There you go, Jo!!!! Another moment of revelation. Let's live our life this way!!! Extracting lessons and wisdom from things happening around us!

Yeah!!!!

But of course, there is no perfect generalisation. There will always be exceptions!!!!