TOday, I rediscovered some elements which brought me memories of the times when he found solace and joy with someone else. A different girl. I wonder how many girls he has developed a liking for during the times we were together. I never cheated on him. There was never any other relationship with a guy other than him. While I have close guy friends, there never was one who has reached his level.
Yet, I see that he has gone a step further. ONe of shes has probably slept over while on business. Notes, messages, cards with words expressing her feelings are in existence. I do not know how to feel. Should I feel angry? Should I feel threatened? Should I feel disappointed? Or should I look at the factors leading to such situations? Or am I to blame for not making this trip a year earlier. I probably should have given up my career and followed him so that he would not even have the chance to get to know anyone else. Then what about me?
From another point of view, he was only dating at that point in time. He was not married and hence had the right to explore other possibilities. Perhaps I am to blame for I neglected him in favour of work.
Or he is a guy after all and has his needs too. So when there is no one around to satisfy his needs, he will look for solutions in the closest possible range?
My thoughts are running wild not. I feel insecure. He has done it more than once and there is the possibility of further such occurrences on the basis that he has kept it so well from me, and also on the basis that I am so blur most of the time. He thinks that I am a naive, innocent and gullible girl; which I think I am to quite an extent. Too blur or too stupid to pick up signs and believe everything he says.
The fact that I am not gorgeous or rich or extremely desirable makes me feel even more insecure.
I remember the times that I told my friends to believe in themselves, that true love will find them, that there will always be someone for them. I am not even able to believe in that myself now. Suddenly, I lost confidence in myself in being the one and only Johanna.
I am destined to suffer and not be happy in my relationships, am I not?
2 comments:
Life is always filled with trials and trepidation, and with something as unfathomed as love and relationships you can always count on it to be a bumpy ride. I suppose being together now at your stage requires a different type of effort and trusting to ensure the stability of your journey. Like the old saying let bygones be bygones, what is most important is the present and future. We can't change things in the past but we can make an effort in ensuring non reoccurences. Do not despair Jo, have faith in your choice and have faith in him too. Smile :)
Opps should be tribulations, my bad :p
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