Is this a trial?

Dear Lord

Is this a trial? Did you plan all the things to come at one go to see how I can manage my emotions and the situation?

I feel really battered and miserable. All I want to do is to be happy and start living a life of my own. Do I not deserve it? All I ask for is a home, a real home where I can feel safe, comfortable and free to express myself. All I ask for is to be able to be there for the little ones when they are growing up to show them that they are not alone in making this tough journey through life. All I ask for is the opportunity to inspire them and guide them using my experiences.

Am I supposed to learn a lesson during this time? What is the lesson that you want to teach me? To trust him? To live with them despite my fears and experiences? Am I jumping into another shit hole? Or is it because I do not deserve anything good, and it is time to pay my dues?

Please help me Lord!

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.