Fears

I hope that I will be able to embark on the career path of teaching. Somehow, deep inside my heart, it is a new challenge which will present many obstacles. But I know that the obstacles are learning opportunities which will help me grow and become a better person. At this point in time, I have many shadows in me. There are fears lurking in dark areas which have yet to see the light.

For example, although I want to live with Matt, I am fearful and resistant to the fact that I would have to move in with his parents. I have the perspective that there are unspoken and unseen physical and behavioural boundaries drawn and that my invasion would be disastrous.

Therefore, should I move in with his parents, my movements and actions would be restricted very much. Being someone who need lots of space and freedom, I am wary and afraid of that day coming.

I love the time that I have with him in Denmark. We have our own space where we can show our affections for each other freely. There is no need to concern ourselves whether there is anyone else in the living quarters. There is no one else to please.

Communication with each other takes place freely without anybody’s else’s interference.

Yet, I know that when the time comes, I have to transform myself into another person. A zombie who has to behave according to their rules. A zombie with no brains of her own. A robot which has to act based on information fed into the chip embedded in the body.

This is one reason why I wish that the wedding will never take place. The later it drags, the higher the chances that I have the time and opportunity to leave this place, the higher the chances of such torture not taking place.