Tired but.....

I am tired but happy, joyful, grateful.....and so many others.......

Today, I went to the SYF opening with the students. It brought back many memories of the past. The numerous strenuous training sessions, the feeling of satisfaction and pride when performing on stage, the joy of singing...sharing of triump with team-mates....They were all coming back. My adrenaline was pumping and I just could not help but smile and smile and then cry. Tears of joy....

I tried not to be too fierce or strict with the kids since this is an outing. And I realised that I am really the serious and strict kind of person. It just comes naturally. I raise my voice and give commands. When I dun smile, the kids know and are able to read my body language. (But this is only the first week....maybe I should not take it too easy....haha.....)


But times have changed. There were cheerleading competitions, rock band performances, breakdance, millitary band with a tinge of Mexican drums, Myanese dance infused with hip hop and ballet, chinese drums, malay dance, and so on.....The vibrancy of how the different forms of performing arts are being appreciated and approached is changing.

Above all, I am simply so proud of the kids. It took courage, hard work and so much more of them, especially when they are not so priviledged. My heart goes out to them.

Yesterday, I saw my P5Foundation class. 7 ADHD cases and 1 mildly retarded. I wonder what life has in store for them. Many kids with broken families and other sad stories like abandonment. Well, one can say that life has been cruel to them. From the other point of view, life is teaching them a lot and they are learning so much on how to deal with challenges. I saw them celebrate success during the workshop. I rejoiced and almost cried. I just hope that I will be able to spark their interest in science. I hope that they will find meaning in school and work their way out of the situation that they are in now.

Alright...my eyes are really tired now....gotta go zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

Amadeus

Out of boredom and curiosity perhaps, I checked out the website of Amadeus. I remember the times I spent singing. Singing was really emotional for me. I loved the singing. I could at the very least bring out my own emotions when I sang.

Today, I look back at the changes to the choir. There are still quite a number of people from the senior batches. WHenver I look at them, I am always in awe. In awe of their passion for singing. In awe of their aggressiveness. WHenever I sang with them, singing always ends up very stressful for me. Perhaps their overwhelming passion for music and singing has scared me away. I started off with a relatively audible voice to a voice which is small and perhaps almost invisible. Somehow, they made me feel inferior. Or, I allowed them to make me feel inferior. I was not the perfectionist kind of person in the past. This may be the reason why I gradually left the choir. Music, choir music in this case, is pursued with passion and the ultimate aim of perfection. All notes have to be sung to the perfect pitch, sung to the correct pronunciation and the appropriate expression.

Nevertheless, I never regretted my decision to join the choir. THis decision gave me memories, friends, and the opportunities to open my eyes to a world wider than just Singapore. Come to think of it, without Amadeus and the chance to sing overseas, I probably would not have dared to venture overseas. I may just be living life blindly, had it not been for Amadeus.

I wish I were in Copenhagen now

On such a lazy afternoon, all I wanna do is to sit by the lake, wrapped in probably a jacket, and having a cuppa in my hands. I miss sitting by the lake and simply admiring the ducks and swans swimming. I remember I loved to scene where the swans will come sweeping down onto the surface of the water in the lake. The scene is so pretty. The ripples created in the water is simply marvellous. And by the lake, I can see people jogging by, parents with their kids in the strollers taking a stroll and simply enjoying the gifts of Mother Nature. If you had some leftover bread, you could have a good time tearing the bread into pieces and feeding them to the ducks and swans. THe feeling of peace and tranquility is something which I look forward to.

I wanna go back to Copenhagen again. I wanna explore other parts of Europe. All this, I wanna do before I die.

The Beginning of a new Chapter

It is just a few more days before the term starts. I am feeling the jitters now at the thought of a new environment with new challenges. At the same time, I am glad that the 3-year contract is about to begin. THe faster I get it over and done with , the faster I can start my life in a new country where the values, lifestyle and environment serve to energize me rather than zap the zest out of me.

I pray and hope that I will develop and be a good teacher through all the different activities and challenges.

Dear Lord,

Please help me. Please guide me as I embark on my teaching career. Teach me to recognize the signs and improve on my teaching. Help me be a reflective teacher who constantly is able to modify the teaching strategies to benefit and open the eyes of the students to new things. PLease help me be the one who can make a difference in their life and show them that the world is out there for them to explore and seek adventures!

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Philosophy of Identity

We are all labelled by the people around us. Be it the names which have been pasted on us or the physical features, we are always labelled. WIth this labelling comes societal pressures. People who see themselves as belonging to a specific community strive to impose certain expectations on others whom they label as part of the community.

For a person who is born into a Chinese family in a competitive society, the labels of a Chinese female who is asian is expected to behave in a certain way.

I do not agree with this idea. We are all born free into this world. It does not matter if we have been born white or black or yellow. We are individuals with the freedom to choose. Freedom to choose the kind of values which are in alignment to our personal comfort zones. Freedom to choose the attitudes which we believe in. Not any other values and attitudes imposed upon us by others. I have the freedom to choose. My identity is not shaped by labels. My destiny is not shaped by labels.

I choose to align myself and my personal identity with the group of people I can trust and agree with. This group of people need not necessarily be of the same skin colour or background.

Humans are linked to one another through genetics. In a way, there is how we procreate. This is how any living species multiply. Even so, this genetic link does not shape one's destiny. It does not shape one's identity. Only when someone places this on the pedestal and look upon it as a form of affirmation will it become part of that person's identity.

I believe in the freedom to choose the values and attitudes that I am most comfortable with. I am merely a statistic engulfed in this society which tries very hard to impose their way of live onto me. But no matter how hard they try, they will not succeed. Reason being, I do not identify myself with the values and beliefs of this society. I belong to a totally different realm of existence.

I realise that I am not angry with them. I am just irritated because they are forcing their beliefs on me. They are trying to penetrate the shield around me and infect me with the virus so that I will conform and behave according to what they dictate.

I am an individual with my own ideas and mindset. I have the freedom to choose and not confirm. I have the right to my personal space and way of thinking. I am not hostile to anyone as long as they do not provoke me or try to impose their way of live on me. I respect their choices, so why can't they respect mine?

I am not a puppet or a slave. I am me. Someone who is not shaped by her name, race, nationality or skin colour. Just me.

A new day....starting after noon

Had a long sleep last night, most probably due to the medication. But this virus strain seems to be too strong for me to sleep over. I am still feeling weak and tired. No energy to speak. My lungs seem to be crying out for help with each breath of air that i breathe in.

These few days of peace and partial solitude makes me feel slightly better. I sometimes wonder if I were a hermit. I love the peace and quiet. No crowd, no strangers, no noise. Simply the silence and the lack of human presence helps me maintain my sanity.

Here I am listening to MDR and thinking about work. It is not a bad thing because I am at my creative peak under such conditions.

Anger and Irritation

The past few days have been filled with body ache and other physical discomfort. And this is on top of the anger that I have been experiencing. I have to get it out somehow.

WHo do they think they are? Walk into my life and command me to act the way that they expect? Fucking Intruders!!!!

You all have never been in my life. So what gives you the right to just come in and tell me what to do and how to behave? YOu have no right to take away my freedom and happiness. There is nothing between us except for the biological connection. That is all. Nothing else!!!

What you all say is simply a pack of lies which are not justified at all.

There has been no relationship built. It is only when you are so close to death that you start to worry that there will be no one to see to your funeral needs. YOu are all so fucking selfish....

I am not your slave!!!!!I am not one of the statistics which show how successful you are at reproduction.

Just leave me alone and let me get on with my life!!!! I have a loving husband and a safe home now. Get away from me, you Satan! Do not try to take anything away from me.

Dear Lord

You teach me to love unconditionally, but I have difficulty doing that. I do not hate them but I do not love them either. I simply do not want to have anything to do with them. Please guide me , Lord. Please teach me how to deal with my emotions and chain of thoughts. I feel offended when they simply waltz in and command me to act according to the way they want. I do not want to conform without any logical reasoning or justification. I see no meaning in it.

THey have not been part of my life. Now, they expect to just walk in and make me one of their pawns and manipulate me to derive that bit of pleasure. There is no meaning, no sense in this. I hate to conform when I do not make any sense out of the situation.

i am made of flesh and blood and I do have my own mind too. They simply do not see this. I am upset at this fact that they do not respect my freedom of choice. I choose not to be associated with them. I choose to live the life that I now lead. I choose the set of beliefs and values which I feel comfortable with. But they are always trying to impose their will on me. I am not their slave.

Please Lord, Please teach me how to deal with this. Please make them go away. I want to live my life with Matt and create our own world where there is no pain, no hatred, no fear, only love, peace and security.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Going a little bonkers

I wonder if my current state of mind and body is playing tricks on me. Suddenly, I feel so afraid of having children after watching that documentary. I wonder if I will be able to cope with the demands of being a parent in the future. Perhaps I may turn out to be a bad parent who is fierce and abusive, or I may simply do something to run away from the issue.

Perhaps my body ache and the flu virus is just affecting my sanity. Think i should go take a rest now....hahaha......

Busselton Jetty

The jetty where we wanted to take some shots for the wedding. Due to weather conditions, we abandoned the plans...But it was nice walking on this jetty (1841 metres one-way) in the stormy weather with the rain hitting down on us.

Gumboots!

Oh...I really miss Gumboots.....He was so sweet and gentle. I love to cuddle him once again.....Oh Gumboots..........