Liebe Christkind,
what is in stall for me in the days to come? I do not know. Will things go smoothly for me and Matt? I wish and pray very hard. Time has gone by so fast that it is just one night and we will be moving into our new home. The past weeks have been spent shopping for the necessitites and making joint decisions on how things should be around the house. It has been a tiring period but I think both of us enjoyed it. (I hope so!)
I pray and wish for this Christmas that Matt and I will have beautiful memories in this new home together. Please let us spend as much time together as possible and not tear us apart. Tearing us apart would mean death at least to me.
Many thanks from the very bottom of my heart.
Tschuess!
Johanna
Friday, December 15, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Spinning a cocoon
Everyday, I spin a cocoon around myself. The more layers I spin, the less others can hurt me. The more layers I spin, the more I can distant myself from some people. I build this barrier to keep out the invaders who want to make use of my vulnerability so that I will submit to them. These people have hurt me before, and they operate on the basis of authority and dictatorship. I hate them.
Can I call this a self-defence mechanism that was born with me? I look back in time. Everytime something happens and I feel the hurt, I withdraw more and more. I am not the aggresive kind of person who would go all way out to make a point. I do not believe in imposing my beliefs on others. Everyone has the right to choose their own set of values and beliefs. If my set does not compliment or go well with another person's, we will just have to stay away from one another or clash and suffer. I choose to former.
There are so many choices and paths in life. Why hang on to something which does not bring you joy and happiness? By spinning a cocoon around myself, I am also actually creating a new path for myself, a new path to happiness and away from the hurt and misery and fear.
I hate the disturbances when my pepertrators keep poking my cocoon and try to force me out of it. The more they try to get me out, the more I hide, the more I hate them, the more I want to get away. Is this a sign of avoidance and escape? Well, they will never be able to understand me anyway. So why waste the time and efforts to open my heart to them? So what if they listen to me? They will still insist on their set of values and beliefs. That is why they are so autocratic!!!
I hate them!!!!
Can I call this a self-defence mechanism that was born with me? I look back in time. Everytime something happens and I feel the hurt, I withdraw more and more. I am not the aggresive kind of person who would go all way out to make a point. I do not believe in imposing my beliefs on others. Everyone has the right to choose their own set of values and beliefs. If my set does not compliment or go well with another person's, we will just have to stay away from one another or clash and suffer. I choose to former.
There are so many choices and paths in life. Why hang on to something which does not bring you joy and happiness? By spinning a cocoon around myself, I am also actually creating a new path for myself, a new path to happiness and away from the hurt and misery and fear.
I hate the disturbances when my pepertrators keep poking my cocoon and try to force me out of it. The more they try to get me out, the more I hide, the more I hate them, the more I want to get away. Is this a sign of avoidance and escape? Well, they will never be able to understand me anyway. So why waste the time and efforts to open my heart to them? So what if they listen to me? They will still insist on their set of values and beliefs. That is why they are so autocratic!!!
I hate them!!!!
Monday, December 04, 2006
Our New Home in Progress
hmmmmm......our new place is in progress and we see some of it coming alive!!! The green wall for the study room, the lavender wall for the master bedroom and the orange walls for the living area. Most importantly, the blue doors and white walls along the corridor.
Everytime I walk past the blue doors, I am always reminded of the views in Greece. White-washed walls of purity with a peaceful and calming shade of blue for everydoor that faces the sun. I think of the heat on Santorini and Mykonos. I think of the smell of the food and shops in town and by the beaches. I think of the faces of the people I met. I think of the very dry and powdery taste of Greek Coffee. I think of the many little alleys and steps on the islands. I think of the steep paths that we climbed to get to the Red Beach. I think of the seafood platter which gave me diarrhea. I think of the climb up the island of...(cannot remember the name though). I think of the swim we had in the hot spring as a result of the existence of the volcano. I think of the donkey ride up the many winding paths from the port to the town area.
In one way or another, our home is made up of our experiences we had together. In one way or another, we have subconsciously collected all the elements of our experiences and placed in this little place call home. This is what home is about.
Everytime I walk past the blue doors, I am always reminded of the views in Greece. White-washed walls of purity with a peaceful and calming shade of blue for everydoor that faces the sun. I think of the heat on Santorini and Mykonos. I think of the smell of the food and shops in town and by the beaches. I think of the faces of the people I met. I think of the very dry and powdery taste of Greek Coffee. I think of the many little alleys and steps on the islands. I think of the steep paths that we climbed to get to the Red Beach. I think of the seafood platter which gave me diarrhea. I think of the climb up the island of...(cannot remember the name though). I think of the swim we had in the hot spring as a result of the existence of the volcano. I think of the donkey ride up the many winding paths from the port to the town area.
In one way or another, our home is made up of our experiences we had together. In one way or another, we have subconsciously collected all the elements of our experiences and placed in this little place call home. This is what home is about.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Boredom
Boredom, as defined in one of the online dictionaries says that it is the state of being bored. Am I in a state of being bored? Or am I a boring person?
For the past two weeks, other than recuperating from my very injured, tortured and sprained ankles, I have not really been doing much. It is the holidays, I know. But I am lost, all of a sudden. There are no more assignments to be submitted, at least for the time being. There are no more chapters or readings which have to be completed before the weekend. And I love working on assignments and doing my readings!!! What a nerdy freak I am!!!
Maybe I am trying to fill in the gaps. Other than thinking of what to do for my currculum subjects, I am now working full-time on my Deutsch Hausaufgaben. I guess my German teachers are kind of shocked as to the loads of written pieces that they have to mark. heeheee.....
My friends are all enjoying their holidays, I presume. Many have gone on their travels. Many are having fun simply going out for meals and drinks with their friends.
Here I am, typing away at my laptop, pouring out my thoughts and feelings. Is this considered pathetic? Have I been too much of a nerd that I do not know how to enjoy life? Or is it simply just because my inclination falls towards another spectrum?
Shopping is not my cup of tea unless it is for specific items or purposes. Going out for coffee and simply relaxing at cafes is something I like to do but I cannot do it now because of my ankles. I love to engage in thought-provoking conversations with people, but there is no one to do that with me as everyone else is all busy with their own activities.
My mind wonders very often these days. From romantic weddings to a make-over for myself. I come up with ideas for my wedding photography, I think of the possible hair colour and even perms and curls for my hair. I think of the cost, I think of the schedule and timeline to carry out things that I want to do. This is not really something that I am accustomed to working on. I am more used to assignments, deadlines, readings, tutorials and so on.
I have borrowed books which seem interesting to read. But my mind is not in it. I kinda just want to do nothing. That is what my body is telling me. But something in me tells me that I have to do something meaningful to pass my time. Time is valuable and I should not let it slip by just like that.
Oh my God!!! What should I should to get back on track???
For the past two weeks, other than recuperating from my very injured, tortured and sprained ankles, I have not really been doing much. It is the holidays, I know. But I am lost, all of a sudden. There are no more assignments to be submitted, at least for the time being. There are no more chapters or readings which have to be completed before the weekend. And I love working on assignments and doing my readings!!! What a nerdy freak I am!!!
Maybe I am trying to fill in the gaps. Other than thinking of what to do for my currculum subjects, I am now working full-time on my Deutsch Hausaufgaben. I guess my German teachers are kind of shocked as to the loads of written pieces that they have to mark. heeheee.....
My friends are all enjoying their holidays, I presume. Many have gone on their travels. Many are having fun simply going out for meals and drinks with their friends.
Here I am, typing away at my laptop, pouring out my thoughts and feelings. Is this considered pathetic? Have I been too much of a nerd that I do not know how to enjoy life? Or is it simply just because my inclination falls towards another spectrum?
Shopping is not my cup of tea unless it is for specific items or purposes. Going out for coffee and simply relaxing at cafes is something I like to do but I cannot do it now because of my ankles. I love to engage in thought-provoking conversations with people, but there is no one to do that with me as everyone else is all busy with their own activities.
My mind wonders very often these days. From romantic weddings to a make-over for myself. I come up with ideas for my wedding photography, I think of the possible hair colour and even perms and curls for my hair. I think of the cost, I think of the schedule and timeline to carry out things that I want to do. This is not really something that I am accustomed to working on. I am more used to assignments, deadlines, readings, tutorials and so on.
I have borrowed books which seem interesting to read. But my mind is not in it. I kinda just want to do nothing. That is what my body is telling me. But something in me tells me that I have to do something meaningful to pass my time. Time is valuable and I should not let it slip by just like that.
Oh my God!!! What should I should to get back on track???
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)