Still pondering

I am still thinking about the incident where I sort of instigated the change in groupings in one of my modules. I felt very uncomfortable with a group of people from the Chinese Ed module and I do not want to work with them. Looking at the demands of the modules and the assignment, I thought that it would be most effective and efficient to work in a group where there would be no communication barriers and no time-tabling barriers.

I finally found a group of three others where we do not have any of the barriers and we work in a rather efficient manner.

Yet, I still wonder if I had sent the message of discrimination. Most people would say that teachers should not discriminate, especially when you are trained to teach Social Studies. God says that we should not stereotype and discriminate too.

But my experiences have made me act otherwise. I predicted that if we worked with them, we would end up doing most of the work and editing. I had made the assumption that they would not be able to contribute based on their command of the English language. I hold firmly to the belief that when one is in a foreign country and working and living there, one should make sure that one can contribute and not depend on the host for hand-outs. While the locals may help to orientate the newcomers during the initial stage and perhaps in special situations, I feel that it is the newcomers' job to assimilate and adopt the practices and expectations of the locals. They may still keep their practices but the practices of the locals should take priority. Assimilation also includes changes in behaviour to fall into the acceptance zone of the locals.

My experiences with them have been negative. I find them loud, dirty,rude, ignorant and insensitive. Well, locals are like that too, one may say that.

Especially after the episode where they debated and lobbied for the rights to work here while keeping their children company during their studies. Logically, if you are here to look after your children while they pursue an education, you have roles and responsibilities to fulfil. You should have done your calculations and made sure that you are able to survive in a foreign land and not blame the locals for being discriminatory. In a market where jobs are scarce, locals would of course want to protect their survival and exercise their sovereignty. What would happen to the locals if so many foreigners come in and take away their jobs, on the assumption that both are equally able to perform?

Think about the social impact with their arrival. Vice, criminal activities and social disruptions have occurred and they occur in really ridiculous settings.

With all this, how do you expect the locals to trust the newcomers? There may be exceptions, but how is one to know which one is the exception. There is nothing written on their foreheads or face. Even so, can we take it so literally?

Oh God, please help me rationalize this! Amen.

A new discovery!!

Guess what??

I leant that a Smurf is 3 apples tall!

Heeheee....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/5317982.stm

Simply wonderful feeling....

It is simply a wonderful feeling to sit at a cafe, have a cuppa and either read or surf the Internet. Of course, this is based on the assumption that the cafe that one has chosen is a comfortable, peaceful safe and rather quiet place to chill out.

Or maybe I have been too stressed out that I have not been able to enjoy such little pleasures in life!

But still, Thank the Lord for allowing me to enjoy this wondrous moment now. It really helps to take my mind away from stressful and negative thoughts!

You can do it , Jo! Keep your head up and keep your smile on your face!!! Seek and you shall find!!!!

Feeling misunderstood

It all happened during SS class today. J showed us a video clip on the topic of the strategies used in teaching SS. The clip showed the perfect class with cooperative students, engaging teacher, and so on. The topic dealt with was Archeology. As part of the lesson, the teacher asked the class to bring heirlooms to school. If they did not have any, they could bring something which they would want to give to their children in the future.

I do agree with the method used to tune in to the topic. Yet, I worry for children who may not have the ideal family situation to support learning. I thought of children who are at risk, children who come from broken homes and have developed a negative idea of the future and society. THey would not be able to appreciate what is being done in class. I thought of children who may become emotional when topics such as Love and Family are brought into the class. Teachers need to know how to manage such situations when children are not able to keep their emotions and outbursts in check. That was the point which I was trying to bring across to the class. Yet J stopped me short before I could really transmit my point. In the end, the answer given was something which I already knew. I know that the teacher in the video clip tried to cater for such situations when she said that children who do not have heirloom may bring something they want to pass on to their next generation.

Am I thinking too much? Are my worries unfounded? I really wonder. Why do I always end up with such thoughts after attending J's SS class? I always feel that I am off tangent. Am I really that terrible?

Dear Lord

Please help me. Am I tredding on the wrong path? Are my thoughts not valid? I feel as if I am losing sight of my goals. Please help me Lord. Please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Relationships are sometimes not reciprocal in nature

Reflecting on the events in my life, I came to an undertstanding that struck me rather strongly. That is, relationships are never totally reciprocal in nature. While we may treat someone as a friend, the other person may not. It is not a bad thing though. I mean, when we think about it, we all have different levels of comfort when faced with different people. Person A's comfort level with Person B may not necessarily be on the same plane.

Guess if we try to understand and internalize this, life may not be so terrible after all. Well, it may be miserable for a while when the truth hits but, we could all climb out of the rut though.

Waves of fear

For some mysterious reasons, I have had thoughts of fear. Fear of losing him to God. He has become so dear to me that I cannot stand the moments we are apart sometimes. Especially when he takes overseas trips. I am always afraid that something bad would happen to him when he is overseas and that I cannot be there. I think I have finally found someone dear to me. Someone whom I can really now consider family. Thoughts of him fill my day and night. There are simply so many instances that I want to be near him and make sure that he is safe and sound. I cannot lose him. I cannot do without him. God knows that I will not be able to handle it if he were to leave me one day.

I look forward to the days when we can have our own home and snuggle every night in each others' arms. It gives me a very warm and cosy feeling. I feel protected and loved. I have to admit that I was naive and ignorant in the past. Not being able to recognise that I have such a precious treasure with me.

I pray to God every night to keep him safe and sound and happy. All I want is for him to be happy and to be with me. Perhaps this can be labelled as being selfish. But I just cannot do without him. Marriage makes more meaning to me now that I have such strong feelings. But that piece of paper still does not mean anything. Whether or not that piece of paper exists is not critical. What is imperative is the kind of feelings that we have for each other. The kind of need and want and desire to be in each other's lives.

Dear Lord,

I pray as always that you help to bless him and keep him safe and sound and happy. I pray that you bless us with a happy family and that we can grow old together. I do not mind ending our journeys in each other's arms at the same time. All I pray for and ask for is that you do not take away the most important person in my life and that you bless us with a happy life ahead as we trudge through the jungle of challenges. Please Lord, that is very important to me.

I give thanks and praise to thee.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A thin line between the desire to please and accommodate and the sense of hypocrisy

Recently, I have been thinking about this. Being someone who is for the idea of being who one really is, I suddenly came to a halt. If a person has a very accommodating personality, does that amount to hypocrisy? I do not think so. That is a person's personality. Yet, somehow, I have been getting those vibes. Am I being too sensitive and over-reacting?

Dear Lord,

I pray for clarity and peace.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Self-Regulated Learning

Self-regulated learning. This is an area in which we are reading at this point in time in the Education Psychology Module. I find it interesting. It explains how a person and improve or take a step backward simply by thinking or making comments to oneself. Applying this theory to myself, I have no idea if I am still standing at the same spot or have progressed forward.

My efforts and time invested into studying makes me wonder. I wonder why. Everyone around me is seeking to just make it through the system, while I aim to come out the top of the cohort. Everyone around me do not seem to take lessons and readings seriously. They try to do what they can and then pray and hope that things go their way. BUt I aim for perfection. I complete all my readings. I try to give the best quality work possible. Why?

A sense of insecurity? The need to achieve results? The fear of being looked down upon? The want to give the best to my students next time so that they do not go through life as I have had gone through for the past quarter of a century? To prove that I am not useless?

Perhaps it is a mischung of these reasons which propel me. But there is no one to converse with me at this level, of course, other than the tutors and lecturers. But they are nto always there. This lack of intellectual conversations with people to hear their interesting points of view is almost killing me. I feel deprived. Most of my friends have other areas of concerns which take their attention away from intellectual topics. So here I am, hoping to develop my intellectual capability faced with an empty arena. Well, we are all at different platforms at different times of our lives. Maybe it is time I take a break too?

Take a break....

Heehee....I am taking a break now...Simply too tired and distracted to work auf meine Deutsche Hausaufgaben, obwohl es viele Hausaufgaben gibt.

I have not been in good health lately. With the flu virus attacking my body, I feel sick, lethargic and easily irritable. Although I try to get enough sleep and not worry too much about work, it seems as though I can never run away from this trait of mine. My conscience will start hitting out at me if I do not push myself. I feel guilty and inadequate.

Providence

This is one word which ML said today after I told her that today's meeting was prompted by Andy's sharing of information with me. I guess it really is. I had initially wanted to leave it to fate to decide where I should go for practicum. But after hearing what Andy has done, I decided that I want to take control in choosing the school that I would like to be posted to. And that is how we managed to get a meeting fixed up and I ended up telling ML my entire life story.

I guess she was probably a little tired cos she yawned a couple of time during the almost two-hour session. But I am grateful for she brought up several things that became clearer to me.

Seek and thou shall find.

At different stages of our lives, we will be looking for different things.

Although I sort of drifted through my first twenty-five years, I still have some beautiful memories of the times I had. So it is not that bad. God has somehow led you along and helped guide you to your destiny.

Dear Lord

I seek to find a school in which I can grow spiritually as well as develop my career. I want to be in a position to inspire and guide the little ones and not let them go through the same path as I did. Please shine the light on me.

Thank you Lord.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A reward

Having tired myself out for for the past few weeks, I rewarded myself to a German-English Dictionary and a book by Guenter Grass today. After the Math test, with the knowledge that there were some surprise questions, I decided to do something that would bring life back to my exhausted physical body again. And indeed!!! The time to shop alone without any stress or distractions did help to bring back some balance in my life. I was slightly stimulated by Grass's initial introduction in his book. Also, with a new dictionary to help me in my quest to perfect my command of the German langauge, I found myself with renewed energy, at least till now.

Shopping for books never bore me. It only serve to stimulate. There is just so much that I do not know. I simply wonder how I can plough through the tons and tons of publications in the market to get my hands on literature which appeal to me. The problem is, I do not have any specific preferences. As long as I find the writing interesting and intellectually stimulating, I will read it.

With the workload, I wonder how I can manage to finish the books that I have bought. But I am sure that I can do it. (IN the context of Educational Psychology, this is one of the strategies for Regulation of Motivation / Affect. It is called the Self-Efficacy Control where one talks positively to oneself to maintain self-efficacy and confidence.) I like it when I recall and make meaning of what I have read. This is what education should be. I have missed out so much is the past years. Hopefully, it is not too late to catch up.

Alright, I got to get back to my German essay now. Will right more soon.

Thank you Lord!