We create what we fear - Dr Phil....

Dr Phil made this statement on TV and it really struck me. Many times, we make decisions out of fear. Because we fear something, we find ways and means to avoid them. Yet, the more we avoid them, the more it seems to look for us.

Why do we have fear? We have fear because we could have had very bad experiences with the subjects concerned, or we could have heard something bad. The elements of fear are tugging at our boundaries to try to tempt us into doing things which may result in consequences which we may not be able to handle.

And most of the time, we are not rational when making decisions.....

Yet, when we dig deeper, we should welcome fear and conquer it for it is one of our teachers. Often, our actions amidst our fears help us to learn and grow stronger, if only we take the time and efforts to reflect. Something which we have stopped doing as the pace of life moves faster and faster with each passing minute.

Generation Gap

I wonder what goes through their minds, or rather her mind. Or is it simply just a generation gap? Anyway, I just hope and pray that things will go on smoothly and that she will get pass that stage and quit nagging and being petty cos it would not do all of us any good....

Dear Lord

Perhaps I am incapable of understanding her, perhaps subconsciously, I choose not to understand her point of view. Whatever it is, I pray that the future days would not be filled with threats and blackmails simply because we chose to take the step legally. A step which has proven that we are meant for each other.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

A lesson learnt from ice-skating

I took a walk to the ice skating ring at Kongens Nytorv after class today. Holding a China box in my hands, I watched the people skate as I filled my body with carbohydrates. The ring at Kongens Nytorv is an open-air one. There were not too many people skating: a father and his two very young daughters, a family of four and some youngsters. Some of them were learning while some of them were there just to enjoy the sport with the level of competency they have already mastered. As I watched the ice-skaters enjoy the sport, my attention gradually turned to focus on the father with the two girls. The girls were probably about three years old and they are twins. With each girl on each side, the father attempted to expose them to the sport of ice skating. He held them by their hands as they learnt to ice-skate. They wore smiles on their faces even though they fell a couple of times. Slowly, they moved on to try out on their own rather then hold on to their father's hands all the time.

It led me to think that sometimes, when we want to help others, we have to let go and let them try out things on their own. Some people have a lucky life in which they always have the safety net of their family or friends emotionally and financially. To some extent, if not given a chance to try out things or go through some difficulties on their own, people may never find meaning in their lives or what they are doing. We need to fall, we need to bleed, we need to reflect and learn from all our mistakes and adventures. A fall does not mean that we will be down forever, it only means that there is something to be learnt and reaped. It simply means a comma used to pause our lives to take a breather and to reflect. So we should all welcome that. It is true that we may be injured or inflicted with pain, sadness, anger and other negative emotions. But I have to say that it is these emotions which push us to our limits that we gain insights to our inner soul.

And we have a choice. SOmetimes, we simply have to say no to others even if they want to help us. We have to take control of our lives and steer it the right way, the way we want to grow up. I wonder just how many people ever thought about that: taking control of the way we want to develop ourselves and not allow others to manipulate our lives. Ultimately, we are the ones who experience the consequences....., is it not?

Schloß Neuschwanstein

Everytime I see pictures or read about Schloß Neuschwanstein, my heart and soul simple melts. The entire setting and panorama that the castle sits in simply takes my breath away. The skies, the air, the colours, the buildings, the trees, the plants, the animals and the other bits and pieces have been so intricately put together such that it creates a wonderful and breath-taking view. Most importantly, the entire atmosphere and life of King Ludwig II seems to have been brought to life and talking to me. I am constantly curious about what went through his mind and how did he manage to juggle the elements of his life. Someone who has compassion and empathy for this people, someone who loves art and music, he was simply not cut out to be a leader of a state where he had to make hard decisions. I wonder, if his mind is always in a state of chaos trying to rationalize the realities of life at that time.

The thought of being able to go back there again and look at the castle and his lifestyle and experience the life around the village of Fuessen and Hohenschwangau simply gets my adrenalin pumping. I just cannot wait to immerse myself in the atmosphere and feel the warmth and passion of such a character. I want to drink the beer brewed there and eat the food that people eat there. I want to live the life of a German. I want to speak German with them and get to know them.

I want to live the experience and keep it inside me, something which no one can take away from me, something which I can say will be special to me because the feelings and emotions will only be created and felt by me alone.

The meaning of wedding to me

The meaning of wedding has been destroyed, corroded, tainted, and thrown right down to the deepest chambers of hell or Hades.

Wedding = waste of money, waste of time, useless publicity, waste of efforts, a time when people can pay relatively cheaply for good food, having to put on a mask the entire time and pretend that you are very happy, suck up to those people who think that it is such a grand event to have, and so on.

Why do I think this way?
- cos my wedding would not be held the way I like it to be
- i have to pay for so many expenses which have no returns, and the money could have been put to better use
- the entire thing is just to suck up or patronize some people who attach so much self-worth or worth when their children get married. Alternatively, it is just an opportunity to tell other people that they have done a good job of making sure that their children are wanted. It is all to boost their ego!!!!
- there is just no meaning anymore!!!!!! It is just not special anymore!!!!!

I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!IT IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!!!

Dr Phil's show today - Women who would only marry millionaires

Dr Phil interviewed a few participants today. The topic was "Gold diggers." A few women were on the show and they told the audience about how they go about looking for rich men and attracting them. Some of them said that they would not marry a man who does not give them a minimum four or five carat gold ring. Some of them even have benchmarks about how much the men are worth before they would even consider going out or talking to them. If given a choice between a man who really loves them and a man who has more money, they would choose money.

On the other hand, there are companies or businesses which specialise in teaching these women how to project the right image and how to strategise to get these men. And they make good money because the women really believe in them. (But sucess rate does not seem to be that high though. Time is definitely needed.)

I am appalled but yet intrigued by how these women think. It seems like their lives are dominated by thoughts of money and wealth and a life of luxury. They are so dependent on material goods. What happened to their souls and inner satisfaction? What kind of meaning does such a life give them? Will they share their wealth with people who are less fortunate? I doubt so. It is just so nonsensical. WHat happened in their lives???

Well, guess this is what life is all about. There are so many different kinds of people on this planet with different thoughts and mindsets. Good and bad as we see that we need extremes to bring a balance to this earth.

Overcoming Obstacles

I was touched. I was moved. I was inspired. Words could not describe how I felt when I saw what Kyle did.

Kyle appeared on Extreme Homemakeover today. He is a special person. He is handicapped. He was born without hands and legs. Extreme Homemakeover invited him to take a look and experience the house they were making over for a family, within this family exists a few members who share the same challenges as Kyle. Of course, they went on to renovate and decorate the house according to the main objective of the show: To make the house habitable for the family. So Kyle went around the house trying out the facilities that we often take for granted.

Thereafter, a wrestling match was scheduled for Kyle ( a person without hands and legs ) and a huge man ( tall and strong and abled ). And Kyle won. My goodness, I was shocked. One can hardly imagine how he did it. He was agile despite his handicap and strong. He said that there are no excuses for not doing all that can be done to achieve his goal. Tears rolled down my face.

As the show went on, I found out that Susan Tom, the mother of 5 girls had adopted the children. She did not mind their handicap and went on to nurture them to be strong, positive and independent persons who also have dreams and aspirations.

THroughout the entire process, the family established and bonded with the design and building team and were grateful for the people who had lent a hand to make the dream come true. A three-storey house with an elevator and space for each person to cater to their interests.

It is just so amazing......

Disturbing news on CNN today....

Pakistan - Riots escalating in the cities of Pakistan resulting in loss of lives and income for the people who need it most.

Riots have been occuring since the outburst of the cartoons published in a Danish paper last year. And now, it is just getting worse. Blasphemous. That is what CNN drescribed. Korean businesses and American business are targeted now. It seems anything foreign and non-muslim is attacked. They destroy food supplies and burn flags and pictures of Bush and Rasmussen depicted as dogs.

Relief efforts for victims of last year's South Asia quake

On the other hand, the people of Pakistan living in the quake zone are suffering the impact of the harsh winter weather, lack of food and job and loss of their loved ones. THey need help and they would do anything reasonable to feed their families and carry on living.

Both issues may not be directly related. Yet, I think that education is a key factor. Progression and choosing the right channel to address their concerns are ideas in my mind. For example, the entire episode of the cartoons is an example of differences in culture and mindset. While the Danes believe in freedom of speech and expression, the Muslims hold strongly to their faith. The Danes have done something which does not contradict their beliefs. Yet it is not the case for the Muslims. THe Muslims voiced their disapproval and the Danish paper has apologised and the person involved has been given the appropriate treatment and lesson. Yet, emotions are getting the best of the people now. Or is it a window where terrorists are making use of to stir up unwanted negative emotions?

If the Muslims want to make a statement, they could file the case with an international court and settle it legally. The end result would definitely make a point to the entire world to be more sensitive in their expressions. The current situation only causes hurt to the human race which I believe is not part of the teachings of the religion. I wonder if they see the point or are they simply affected by their emotions such that they are not able to contemplate the course of actions logically.

One group of people have what they need to lead a basic life, while the other group is struggling to live the next minute. And they all belong to the same faith and religion. It is really such an irony that they are not helping one another get on with life, instead, their actions simply imply the lack of logic and focus. I wonder what the government is doing?

Would education be an element which would help them make the right decisions? Would education have helped them think through their situation and work out the alternatives logically and sensibly? And perhaps diplomatically?

If someone had paid attention to me that time....

There were many instances over the past one year when I looked back at my formative years. I had gone through the school system without really knowing what to expect or what my goals were, other than achieving As. But why do we have to achieve As all the time? What meaning does it make or give to a human being? Instead of thinking along the line that achieving good results equate to knowledge acquisition, I was driven by the fear of being reprimanded of singled out. I was afraid of attention from any other persons other than my very good friends. I never really understood the joy of learning or reading. Life went past with each day doing what I was supposed to do but without much thought given.

I wish that the students whom I will be in charge of in the future will not suffer the same fate. Well, the kids nowadays may be more intelligent so I may not really have to worry about that. But still, I want to make sure that they all formulate the right attitude to learning so that they can start understanding life from the appropriate perspective as early as possible.

She gave me a smile...

Today, I was on my way to school. I met this girl on the bus. She lives on the first storey, th. We met a few times cos we leave house at approximately the same time each day. She smiled at me when I was getting on the bus and I smiled back and said "Hi."

I am not sure if she works at the same place as Matt. I think so.

But I find her sweet and friendly. She has this gentle disposition which makes me feel safe to be around her.

But the most important thing is that she smiled at me. A smile that made my day so sweet and bright!

Songs with the name Joanna/Johanna

How nice it would be if I could play the songs on my wedding day!!!! Songs with my name in it, although with a different spelling....heeheee......

Harry Porter and the magic wand

How could I bring this into the classroom to make it more interesting for students?

What can a magic wand do? What do I want my students to achieve during the lessons? What are my objectives?

Hmmmm........

Walking in the winter cold

On the days which I have to go to class, I take the bus and alight at Kongens Nytorv. Then I would take the five-minute walk to school in the cold winter air. Sometimes I encounter snow, sometimes rain and sometimes the bright sunshine. What I enjoy most of all is the cold winter wind. It brings me out of my tiredness and soothes me. It refreshes me in a way.

Oh how I love the winter!!!!!!!!

Are you shining a light on me, Dear Lord?

Dear Lord

Today, I heard some news which may become true in the next few months. I hope that it is the ideal situation and solution to my current predicament. All I want and long for is a home where I can feel comfortable in, a place where both of us decorate with our love and style to remind us that this is our home.

Please let it come true, dear Lord. Please. The idea seems to solve all the concerns that we have. Privacy, space and peace of mind and of course, traditions and expectations.

Please Lord, please, I pray and I beg for you to pen a beautiful ending to our beginning of a new chapter in our lives.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Snow

Finally, it snowed today. Not heavy but slight. Still, it is nice to see snow again. Out of the four seasons, winter is the only season that tugs at my heart and soul with a very special kind of meaning and vibe. It is cold yet beautiful. It is also calming to my mind. Snow looks pure and white, reminding me of hope and goodness on earth.

I love walking thru the snow every time the snow piles up. Walking through the snow and kicking them all over. Never mind about getting my shoes or boots all covered and wet with snow. Seeing the snow fly up into the air and land on the ground is so much fun. I love it so much!!

Are weddings not supposed to be special?

I thought weddings are supposed to be special? How can I make my wedding special? What can I do to attach a special meaning to it? THe banquet is fixed, the guest list too. All these are common factors. Is there any factor that I can create to make my day a special one?

Let's see:
- Band?
- Rabbits?

I dun wanna have just a common ceremony. I want something special. Something that has meaning to me and him.

Destiny

Destined to:
-Suffer in silence?
-not to have a real home
-never really be understood by the people around me
-to be undermined
-hide my feelings and thoughts?
-never really understand the meaning of "family"?
-be manipulated by others?
-not be regarded as an individual with different thougths and wishes?

Perhaps I should allow others to manipulate my life once again

Perhaps I should not be involved in making the decisions at all. Perhaps I should say yes to everything. THings like when to get married, what to wear, how to behave etc.....and act like a robot. A robot who is programmed to go according to the plan to please everyone. Then maybe I can get some peace and focus on my career. Afterall, the wedding is not mine.

Channel your energy into something good!

Self-esteem, self-confidence, recognizing that we are all individuals with the power to do something good in our lifetimes. I should perhaps channel my negative feelings into helping pupils develop their self-confidence. I never had anyone tell me or teach me about believing in myself. Perhaps that is why I am so adverse to many things which people around me consider "normal",

Learn to stand on your feet, Jo. Channel all these energy into developing ideas and strategies to help children so that they do not go through what you have been through. So that they can lead a better life and make the world a better place!

Learn to accept things that you cannot change.

Should I lower my expectations?

Should I even expect him to be empathetic enough to understand how I feel? But one can never really understand the exact feelings of another person unless one has been through the same experience. Even if one has been through the same experience, the emotions, thoughts and sentiments would also be different. Hence, perhaps I should not be angry that he does not understand what I feel towards certain issues. Perhaps I am destined to have such a terrible relationship with my partner for my whole life. Am I paying for the bad deeds committed by my parents? Perhaps I am...

Fear, stress, depression, disappointment, sadness, why do you all look for me at the same time?

It is a fact now. He gave me the hopes and dreams and crushed them all in a few minutes. There is no way I can run away from them. There is no way I will be able to set up my own home and family. No way at all!!!!!

The pain is excruciating. The stress is unbrearable. I just want to hide myself in one corner, cry and kill myself.

My dreams and hopes of having my own home and family. My dreams of providing also for my brother. Everything is gone.

Jo, you are so F***** up, you are useless, you are stupid, you are nothing but a piece of shit that does not have any value or use. So why don't you just disappear from the surface of this earth?

My short conversation with Nina

THe recent publication of a picture in one of the Danish papers has caused a sensation recently. The topic is about racism and respect for another person's religion. While I remain neutral with understanding of the both sides of the story, it is a reminder that different people have different views.

Nina took the bus with me yesterday. She is Russian and married to a Dane. She feels that an apology should be made to the Muslim community for the offensive cartoon of their religious pillar. Her husband on the other hand feels that there is no need for an apology on the basis that Denmark endorses freedom of speech and freedom of expression. While they both come from different cultures and history, it just struck me instantly that we are all individuals who are entitled to different views and opinions. Couples need not agree with each other all the time. It is through differences that they gain a better understanding of each other and learn to deal and manage their differences.

Wow....what a revelation....Was the one up there trying to send me the message that a couple need not agree and have the same interests or views all the time?

Well, I hope that we both can work out the current situation....Should we get an apartment? Yes, I think so. He is, well, sitting on the fence not knowing which to choose. Both are attractive alternatives. I just hope that for the good of everyone, taking into consideration the different personalities, culture, mindset and so on, he will choose to get a separate apartment.

Till the day he makes the decision, I will have to hang by my neck and suffer in silence. Quick! Cut the rope!! Or I will be suffocating myself to death!!! Please!!!!

Is this a trial?

Dear Lord

Is this a trial? Did you plan all the things to come at one go to see how I can manage my emotions and the situation?

I feel really battered and miserable. All I want to do is to be happy and start living a life of my own. Do I not deserve it? All I ask for is a home, a real home where I can feel safe, comfortable and free to express myself. All I ask for is to be able to be there for the little ones when they are growing up to show them that they are not alone in making this tough journey through life. All I ask for is the opportunity to inspire them and guide them using my experiences.

Am I supposed to learn a lesson during this time? What is the lesson that you want to teach me? To trust him? To live with them despite my fears and experiences? Am I jumping into another shit hole? Or is it because I do not deserve anything good, and it is time to pay my dues?

Please help me Lord!

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Perhaps he will be happier with someone else

TOday, I rediscovered some elements which brought me memories of the times when he found solace and joy with someone else. A different girl. I wonder how many girls he has developed a liking for during the times we were together. I never cheated on him. There was never any other relationship with a guy other than him. While I have close guy friends, there never was one who has reached his level.

Yet, I see that he has gone a step further. ONe of shes has probably slept over while on business. Notes, messages, cards with words expressing her feelings are in existence. I do not know how to feel. Should I feel angry? Should I feel threatened? Should I feel disappointed? Or should I look at the factors leading to such situations? Or am I to blame for not making this trip a year earlier. I probably should have given up my career and followed him so that he would not even have the chance to get to know anyone else. Then what about me?

From another point of view, he was only dating at that point in time. He was not married and hence had the right to explore other possibilities. Perhaps I am to blame for I neglected him in favour of work.

Or he is a guy after all and has his needs too. So when there is no one around to satisfy his needs, he will look for solutions in the closest possible range?

My thoughts are running wild not. I feel insecure. He has done it more than once and there is the possibility of further such occurrences on the basis that he has kept it so well from me, and also on the basis that I am so blur most of the time. He thinks that I am a naive, innocent and gullible girl; which I think I am to quite an extent. Too blur or too stupid to pick up signs and believe everything he says.

The fact that I am not gorgeous or rich or extremely desirable makes me feel even more insecure.

I remember the times that I told my friends to believe in themselves, that true love will find them, that there will always be someone for them. I am not even able to believe in that myself now. Suddenly, I lost confidence in myself in being the one and only Johanna.

I am destined to suffer and not be happy in my relationships, am I not?

Connecting with Nature

AS I walked home today, I felt this heavenly sensation of peace falling onto me and calmed me down. The wind seemed to be communicating with me, so were the trees sovered with snow and ice. I felt better today. Not so sad and depressed, not do down. But still, the negative feelings were not totally eradicated. Some part of me still felt depressed and sad.

I guess, Mother Nature was trying to communicate with me and tell me that things will be alright. Just keep looking on the bright side of life. Hang in there Jo....May God be with you....Amen....