Progress....

I am only one day into my term and I think I am beginning to worry. There are so many assignments with different deadlines. There are forever new readings to be done. I wonder if I will be able to make it.

But as I work through step by step, I find that I derive more meaning and joy in what I am doing. The work may be heavy and hectic, but I see the co-relation and the impact of the information. Having this understanding, I feel more confident in becoming the teacher I envision myself to be. All the bits and pieces of information build upon one another and they are building blocks on which I build my competence as a teacher. While practical experience is important, we should not neglect theoretical information too. They are the structures which guide our every decision and plan.

Okie dokie, rest time over...gotta get to work!!!!

A groggy start for today

It is with a groggy feeling in me that I woke up to the bright sun shining outside. The feeling is terrible. I planned to go to the gym today. Looks like changes have to be made to the plans again.

The feeling is terrible. I feel as if I am seasick. Everything in my vision seems to float around from time to time and my head feels heavy. My body has a sluggish tone to it and the energy levels seem to be seeping away with every moment.

While my body works against me, my mind is working with me. Throughout the night, I have been thinking about Citizenship Education. THis is something which has been of interest to me but I never knew of the avenues available to expand and learn more. Now that there is a chance to do so with the Social Studies option, it is just like God shining a light on me and granting me a wish.

Searching for an identity is not merely knowing which state or country we belong to, or which passport we are holding. There is something more to it. While it might look easy, the process is actually an arduous one. One goes through many obstacles and challenges and experiences to create and find ideas of meaning to them. It is a lifelong effort to find the identity in us amidst all the 'noise' and distractions of the world. Yet, we have to make an effort to do so or we will all soon get lost in the sea of wandering souls. It may not be that bad to be lost in the sea of wandering souls, one just goes along with the flow. Yet, being a firm believer of maintaining a good grasp of one's own destiny and journey, I am for clarity and direction.

With the help from the Big Man above, I hope that I can progress in the right direction and subsequently be of help to others who might just need a little source of light sometime somewhere.

The Practical Aspect of Life

Citibank called to inform me that my credit limit has been revised simply because I have had a change of job and have taken a paycut. According to Citibank, this is due to a regulation by the government which said that our credit limit can only be a maximum of twice our salary. While it is good that the bank takes the regulations seriously, my pride does not seem to have been taken into consideration. Well, it is not important to them anyway. It merely applies to me.

Suddenly, I felt as if I have been made 'poor'. Or is it because I am simply just a proud person who tends to take things too seriously. Realistically speaking, the revision in credit limit does not affect me because I do not spend much. So if it does not have a significant impact on me, why should I feel so upset? It all boils down to the psychological effect.

Hey Jo!

Take it easy. If there is no impact on you, just let it go. There are more important things in life to think about!!!

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!

My Last Day

TOday is my last day at EPPS. It is also Racial Harmony Day. I did minimum teaching today. Just the simple marking of corrections. The rest of the time was sent on fixing the puzzle for KDF. Some of the children knew that today would be my last day and they made cards for me. Simple words of appreciation and gratitude. That is enough to lift my spirits. KNowing that they enjoyed my lessons and that they learnt something from me is enough to put me on cloud nine.

I taught 6 Respect lyric appreciation today. We only had less than 30 minutes and so I could not touch on the topic in details. All I could do was to be direct in telling them that they should try asking themselves who they really are deep inside. What will they be in the future? What do they want to be in the future? What I really hoped to achieve was to get them to understand themselves better so that they can motivate themselves to work hard enough to get through PSLE.

I can sit here and read their cards over and over again. We are not looking for perfect English or perfect presentation. A simple work of 'Thank You' or 'We will miss you!' is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Some of them looked sad. Take Denise for example. She could not sing during the lesson and I did not see a smile on her face today as I have seen the other days. While they were all very active and happy as usual, I could feel some emotions stirring too. Amos was exceptionally expressive today. THe class sang louder and with expression.

The girls in 4 Courage waved their hands to say their goodbyes, with their sweet-looking smiles and bright shiny eyes. I miss their faces. I miss their laughter. I feel bad that I cannot put their names to the faces a hundred percent.

Feelings of attachment to the children

Mdm M came to me today to have a chat. SHe told me that the children from 6 Respect missed me and have good reviews about me too. Mdm M had given them a form and asked them to write down what they thought of my music lessons. She said that the feedback was good. I wonder what they children wrote about me. I just cannot wait to see the reviews.

Mdm M also made a comment about me. She said that I have the X-factor. I was and am still thrilled. I simply love what I am doing now. The daily interaction with the children make me feel happy and gives me a sense of meaning. It may be that brief moment of eye contact or smile. It may be that few minutes of explanation of subject matter. But I know that I played a part and I am glad to be given the chance. But my heart simply fills up with joy and happiness knowing that I have given my best and my efforts have been beneficial.

I met Maha and his friends, and Tanya and Idaya on my way out of the school. They had just finished their supplementary lessons and were excited to be out of school and on the way home. I chatted with them. Told the boys to be careful sitting on the chains and screamed at Tanya for running across the road when the traffic light was still red. They asked me if I will be leaving them and they asked me why. I did not give them any direct answers because I simply do not know how to answer them. At the same time, I do not wish to leave. I miss them.

I will be having my last lesson with them tomorrow. THe focus is on lyric appreciation. But my main motive is to give them the idea of self-reflection. This is in line with what Mdm M has been doing. But perhaps from a different perspective and to allow the children to better appreciate what Mdm M has been doing. I also hope to share my thoughts and experience with them so that they have some form of input to move on with life.

I love these children although I have been there for only one month. God knows if I will see them again. I pray for their joy and well-being. And I hope that I will get to meet them one day again....

Thank you Lord. Thank you for everything. I am so grateful that I do not know what to say. Just Thank You Very Much!!!!

A soul charged with emotions

My steps, as I left school, were charged and filled with emotions. Tears were welling up not only in my eyes but also in my heart. I was not feeling sad. Rather, I was filled with joy and appreciation for the little ones. While they may do things like forgetting to do their homework or bring their books, they are still precious and innocent beings searching for their destiny in this world.

I knew that there were moments throughout this attachment that I had connected with them. Be it when I teach them or when I assist them in their work. The spark in their eyes, the windows to their hearts. I sometimes see anger, I sometimes see jealousy, I sometimes see innocence. All that I see touches my heart and I simply feel lucky to be alive and to be experiencing it. No words can describe how I feel. It is like love. Or is it something more. I see them as my precious little ones although they do not belong to me. I know that they may not remember me after I leave. They will simply move on with their lives and other teachers will take the place in their lives. But I am glad that i was part of their journeys. All I hope for is that they become mature and good people with good qualities. I also pray that they have happiness in their lives.

I feel sad for them when I see words of sadness and disappointment in their written work. Some of them simply do not have the people whom they need most. On this, I am really grateful to have people who stood by me through the times and who understand and know me.

I will miss them. Or I may even forget some of them as I move on to teach other students in other schools. Life goes on. BUt I am grateful for the moment. In this very moment, I delight in the joy and happiness. I immerse myself in the meaningful exchange of words and actions and gestures.

Dear Lord

Thank you for everything. I think I have found my meaning in life. I pray for your blessings and guidance so that I may become an effective teacher, mentor and friend. I do not only want to impart knowledge, I want to share that few moments of their lives so that they will not feel lonely and disappointed in this world. I know how that feels. While, a certain amount of negative emotions is needed to balance life, I pray that the children will be able to brave the challenges and emerge as champions and lead better lives.

Thank you, Lord

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

It is late. I should be sleeping by now in view of the fact that i have to get up early for school tomorrow. But I just have to write this down. The past week was a good experience. I taught for more than ten periods. This is about one-third of the average teacher workload. The process was enjoyable!

Not a very positive day for P6 REspect

I managed to attend the last two periods of English in P6 Respect today. Somehow, the moment I stepped into class, I felt that something was not right. The class was way off their good behavior scale and focus was way off. During class, a few of the students were not paying attention and were causing disruption during the lesson. Even during the supplementary lesson, the symptoms carried on.

After school, I spoke to Mdm Melati to analyse the situation today. It was through this conversation that I found out about the sad fact relating to Jiun Wei. He receives corporal punishment at home should the school teacher provide feedback about his performance.

Whenever he comes to school with cane marks on his body, he feels ashamed. Hence, he will cooperate if the teachers use his parents as a tool in nudging him along. I feel sad. In the long run, it will not do him any good. It will only bring down his confidence level and take away his interest in life.

At this very moment, I can see that somehow, he has lost most of his interest and hope in life. Everyday, he works only when he has to. He is not interested in anything else. He walks with a slouching posture. His eyes look dull with a sense of gloom. How can we show these children that there is still hope in their lives? How can I make them understand that all they need to do is to believe in themselves? I was once like them and somehow I managed to go through the system unscathed. But today is a different story. The standards are higher and the education system is different.

My heart breaks for them. The tears flow naturally. I cannot help it. What can I do to help him? I cannot change the environment he lives in. How can I show him that there is still hope for him? How can I help him see?

Dear Lord

I pray for your guidance. Please show me the way to help Jiun Wei. I may be emotional. I know that. But I do feel the hurt and pain. I do not know if his parents show enough care and concern for him but I know that he is losing that spark in life and losing it quick. He is only so young. He has yet to discover the many wonders in life? How can we pull him back? How can we help him gain the confidence to work towards a better life?

Please give me a sign. I want to help him so bad.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

I have fallen in love....once again.....

It has been a marvelous week. My first week in school. Due to the miscommunication, I was arranged to observe teachers in the classroom. It was interesting as I finally get to see how the classrooms of today are like. I am lucky to be able to observe classes of the HA, MA and LA. It really struck me to see the differences. HA children are so motivated and competitive that some of them can really become quite elitist. At the other end of the spectrum, there are children who do not find interest in life at all. For some reason, there is no spark in their eyes. But I believe that within each of them, there is simply potential to be unleashed. It is just a matter of time before their find their meaning in life. Meanwhile, I just hope that they are able to get through the education system so as not to be limited in their choices in future.

Everyday, I wake up early to go to school. Although it is a little tiring, I enjoy the time in school. I am greeted by smiles from the children and one can really feel their excitement to be in school. It is such a lovely feeling despite the physical demands. It was less than a week. I have fallen in love with this class which I have been sitting in. They are a class of average students. Not the very bright ones, but not the very slow ones either. There are the noisy ones, and there are the quiet ones. There are some who lack confidence, there are some who seem to have secrets hidden within themselves and merely waiting to be discovered.

I rejoice in the fact that I am able to share these moments with them. I am blessed for the fact that very soon, I can play a more significant role in other children's lives. Now, I cherish the time that I have with them and I hope that they also have as much fun as I have.

Dear Lord

The only words of gratitude that I can have now are the words of 'Thank you'. The feelings of joy and happiness are simply beyond words. The sparkle in their eyes and in my heart simply resonates through my actions and every breath that I take. I pray and hope that I will be able to bring joy and benefits to the children.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.